After hearing of her grief, I think back over the last months at how it explains her hesitance but does not explain her passionate kisses at all. She cannot have liked him that much. I wonder how far she got with him? Did he touch her and hold her as I have? Was he larger than me, stronger, were his kisses rough, did his stubble scratch her delicate face?

Miss Walker

How can I feel so torn? I love her, in truth. I love every moment with her. The newfound sanctuary of our little place in the woods. I feel safe in her presence, her touch, I lose myself in her arms, but the moment I think of our future together, think that what we are doing may be wrong, a storm grows inside me that I cannot control. I feel guilty, a sinner, as though all this will be snatched away from me, that it is all just a dream to be woken from.

Miss Lister

Just days later in the Moss House again she seems quite recovered from her confession and laughs and jokes about other things. I take the opportunity to pick her up and place her on the floor before the fire. I lean over her and have my hand up her skirts before she can protest. I wonder if he had her? She does not resist, and I give her pleasure, roughly, holding her down with forceful kisses to her mouth and neck as she squirms. She sighs and hums with the joy of it. When she is done, I roll onto my back beside her and pleasure myself as she watches, caressing my hair and then my breasts through my blouse. She does not reach for my skin or go near my queer. It’s still rather one-sided.

Miss Walker

I have told her how much I like her. I talk of our futures as if they are written together. We discuss Shibden as if it is the home of us both. I’d be happy to share my money with her for our joint endeavours. I am relieved to have found someone who does not want me just for my money; she wants me for me. When I am with her, in the moment, I forget the world outside, forget that we are the same, forget that we are not husband and wife, that what we are doing is wrong.

How can I shape this in my mind to understand it and be at one with it? Do I need to just be her companion and set aside all our intimacy? She tells me she would not speak to me if I were to marry another. She could not tolerate it. I suppose I could not either.

Miss Lister