When I wake a short while later, I pray for forgiveness. I do not know what has come over me. How could I possibly have such thoughts – and over a woman? A woman my aunt has warned me against. A woman who seems to have lured and bewitched me. A woman I should never have had anything to do with. I shall not pleasure myself like that again. I have resisted it for so long and in just two weeks since meeting Miss Lister again I have become… of loose morals. I shall need to pray a great deal.

If only I had someone to talk to about such matters. My sister is too far away, and I fear her husband reads her letters. Even if I could speak to her, what would she say? Probably that I should pray for forgiveness for such thoughts and never see Miss Lister again.

After my aunt warned me about getting too close to Miss Lister, I asked Mrs Priestley, a long-standing friend of the Listers what she knew of her. She had only praise to offer and seems to think highly of her, although says she is an ‘odd fellow’. It didn’t reassure me. I wonder now if she’ll tell Miss Lister I was asking after her?

Lord, deliver me from this temptation. I do not deserve any pleasures of the flesh. I have wronged another and deserve no pleasure or comfort in life. I shall devote myself to study and prayer and reside here at Crow Nest with my aunt until my dying day. Who am I to deserve happiness? God will judge me for taking pleasure and my improper thoughts. I hope Miss Lister continues to ignore me, for it will make my task easier. I shall have nothing more to do with Miss Lister of Shibden Hall.

Miss Lister

It only took a week for me to receive a letter from her.

I had stored up all my willpower to ignore the little thing for at least a month, and she crumbles and writes to me after just seven days. I truly have her on a string. Her letter asks if we can meet again and explains that she will happily come accompanied by her aunt if I deem it appropriate. She leaves the choice of whether we are alone or not to me. That suggests she wishes us to be alone but does not want to presume. How sweet of her.