‘Look, it’s a cliché, I know, but it’s never too late to change. And,’ he says, his voice shifting gear, ‘I think you should find yourself a woman. Maybe two. You can’t let the whole thing with Tanya ruin the rest of your life. Go out, have a bit of fun. I mean, you’re fugly as fuck, don’t get me wrong, but I’m sure there’s some cock-starved old crack-whore out there that might still be up for –’

Stoned I may be, but I still manage to kick his leg from where I’m slumped on the sofa.

Joel laughs. He sucks down the last of the vapour, the bag crinkling like static as it’s emptied.

He’s probably right, I think. I should text Sabine back, meet her for a drink.

‘Seriously, though, I’m glad you came round. There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.’

‘It’s all right. I don’t mind if you’re gay. It won’t ruin our relationship. Just as long as you’re happy.’

I’m really out of practice. I need to get out more. No point meeting Sabine if I can’t even hold an adult conversation.

Joel gives me the middle finger. ‘So you know I just got back from Canada? Well, I was there having a meeting with the largest producer of medical cannabis in the world. This company is massive – they’re listed on the Toronto Stock Exchange, and they’ve recently opened grow facilities in Denmark and Portugal and have just been granted a licence from the German government for two in Germany. In three years’ time they’ll have opened more in Italy and Poland as well. And this stuff here is exactly the kind of strain they’re looking to grow. They analysed it and the THC/CBD ratio is spot on, plus the terpene profile is highly favourable for a medicinal strain. Their head of production said it was the best-looking profile they’d ever seen. They’re on the hook, basically.’

‘How would it work?’

‘We’d license the strain to them, so once we’ve signed we wouldn’t need to do a thing. Basically for every plant they grow we’d receive a small fee, but given the scale of their operation we’re talking a renewable gold mine.’

I notice how the word ‘we’ has snuck into all of this.

‘Are you offering me a job?’

‘Well … I’m offering you the opportunity to buy a share in the business. The thing is, to make sure we’re fully protected we have to apply to the EU for Plant Breeder Rights, and that costs money …’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘And, as you were saying, you’ll get a payout when you sign. I thought this could be a good opportunity to invest it.’