I feel her arm round my shoulders as she sits next to me. We sit there for a long time and eventually my shivering stops. Later, back at her flat, I let the water from the shower pour over my head as I think about what I’ve lost, about how Kush must’ve died in agony – the panic, the fear. I screw up my eyes but the images get worse so I keep them open. I end up counting the number of tiles on the wall, over and over, like I’m stuck in a loop. Finally, when the water’s run cold, I get out and dry myself. I’m in a daze, my movements automatic. Next thing I know I’m standing, staring at myself in the mirror when the door opens and Sabine steps in naked. She kisses me, and yet all I can think about is the shape I saw in the flames.

Sabine’s caressing me now, kissing my neck, my chest. She sinks to her knees and sucks me into her mouth and I try to fade away, lose myself in it.

But as I close my eyes I can still see my houseboat, the flames dancing accross it with glee.

And, worst of all, the eye, staring right at me, a dot of fire in the vast dark of my mind.

Later I wake in bed, the thud of my heart so loud for a moment I think there’s someone hammering on the door. I get up slowly, I don’t want to disturb Sabine, and creep through to the bathroom. There’s a window there, looking out over the rooftops, and I open it and let the night in, hoping it will calm me down. The air’s cool and smells of the city I know so well, the city I’ve always called home. But now? I wonder. Can it be again?

I must be imagining it but I catch the scent of burning and close the window. I go back to bed, where Sabine is mumbling something in her sleep. I gently get in and lean closer, holding my breath. It takes me a while to work out she’s saying something over and over again.

I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’m …

I lie here in the stark night and wonder if it ever ends.

ONE DAY BEFORE

Green

The cold water’s like a stun gun to the face.

I crank the tap off, grab a towel and dry myself. Then I step over to the window, open it and lean out. Grey clouds like a lid over the city, gentle rain. I listen to it trickling in the gutter just below the window and wonder if it would have made any difference. If it had rained yesterday, would it have stopped the fire?

Here I am again, I think.