‘The bad news is it looks like he’s got fleas. We’ve given him a treatment so he’ll be fine, but most likely you’ll have them all over your house. You’re going to have to get that dealt with quickly. A flea infestation in the home can be devastating.’

I think of thousands of fleas getting incinerated, maybe some jumping ship like sparks only for them to drown in the canal. I can’t help it, I start laughing. One hundred beats per minute, getting there. The woman on the phone clearly thinks this is a little bit crazy.

‘When can I pick him up?’ I ask, wiping my eyes on my sleeve.

‘Probably not until tomorrow, but you can come by to see him now if you want. And also … if you’d like to bring your credit card so we can settle the bill at the same time that would be great?’

Once I’ve assured her I’ll be there soon I hang up and have a little conversation with Joel.

‘You need money to help treat your sick dog?’ he asks when I’ve finished. ‘You’ve only been homeless a day and you’re starting to act like a bum already.’

‘It’s either that or sell my body for sex.’

‘Yeah, that may take some time. Even the girl you were giving it to for free has bailed out on you.’

Ouch. He pulls out his wallet, selects a card, and tosses it over from where he’s manning the toaster.

‘What’s the pin?’

‘1620’

Of course it is. 4:20, should have guessed that myself. Some inspector.

‘So how much do you reckon it’ll be?’ he asks.

The toaster clicks and he grabs two slices as they fly into the air.

I actually have no idea. The woman hadn’t said. But it can’t be that much.

‘About a hundred or so.’

A primeval scream outside. The cat’s bluster didn’t work. One of them must’ve blinked and they’re now a screeching tornado of claws and fur.

‘That’s fine, just don’t go crazy. No offence.’

I finish up my Red Bull, scrunch the can and throw it at him. Fresh from his triumph with the toast his skills are honed. It’s an easy catch.

‘None taken.’

‘So, given your current situation, stay here until you’re sorted. I’ve got some spare keys somewhere. Just one request.’

I’m relieved that he’s offered without me having to prompt him.

‘Sure, what is it?’

‘Just make sure no one burns it down, will you?’