But, help.

Colin, Bromley

EVER-INCREASING CIRCLES, MATE

Dear Colin, thanks for saving my ugly mug from the bottom of your birdcage, although to be honest I’d be fine with being shat on by a bird called Barry. I kind of like the symbolism. Or is it a metaphor? Maybe I just like the idea that you’re a guy who’s kind to animals.

If you don’t want to talk to a doctor about your problems you’ve come to the right place, because I’m about as far from a medical professional as you can get. But I’ve given your letter quite a bit of thought, because I reckon if you’re desperate enough to write to a Liam Gallagher lookalike, you might be a bloke who’s lost his way. The last line of your letter is a pretty big clue that you’re not lacking in self-awareness, but as you’ve asked for my help, and as I’ve very (very) recently resolved to do my absolute best when it comes to giving advice, that’s what I’m going to do.

One thing I’ve learned, Colin, over a lifetime of not learning very much at all, is that everyone has a tipping point and, once you’ve reached it, most things are better out than in. I’m talking feelings, declarations of love, personal gas, existential theories, beer, and maybe even you, mate. Because it seems to me that you’re at a tipping point there inside your house. Maybe you could try and give the outside world another go before four months snowballs into four years, or even sixteen years. No names, no pack drill, and like I said, I don’t know much, Col, but I do know a bit about that.

I’m not even going to pretend to understand how hard things are for you, but hear me out. You don’t need to go it alone. What I’m saying is maybe Barry would appreciate a bit of an adventure, and I think we’ve all seen stranger things than a guy taking a birdcage for a walk to the end of the street. Or even just to the other side of the front door. (By the way, I’ve personally done much weirder things than that in public and I promise you, nobody even noticed.)

I have a feeling that maybe once you’ve cracked that first hurdle, with Barry’s help, things might get just a little bit easier. Ever-increasing circles, my dad used to say. I mean, at the time he was advising me how to mow the perfect lawn, but the concept is definitely sound for lots of things in life. Perhaps you could try a takeaway sandwich in the park, or a cup of tea in the company of strangers in a quiet cafe. Then you could work up to a mid-morning movie with some popcorn and pensioners. No expectations, no pressure, and if it all gets too much, you could just head home anytime from any of those things, couldn’t you?

Baby steps, Col. Small wins. Ever-increasing circles, mate. Because sometimes that’s the only way to get life done. And I don’t know much but I do know that.