‘The more I sat there on my own in the flat thinking about things, the worse I felt. I distinctly remember desperately wanting to scream, just as a release. But I knew if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Maybe ever.’ Her voice dropped to a whisper on the last word.

‘And then I remembered something a woman called Greta told me once, about keeping busy and finding small things to be grateful for. And I thought, well, maybe if I can get up off this bloody floor and go shopping for something for dinner, that will keep me busy. And won’t Wolfie be happy when she comes home from school and I’ve cooked, and that’d be something to be grateful for.’ She stopped and shook her head slowly.

‘Isn’t that just mad, Danny?’

Lou reached for her crutches and pushed herself up out of the chair. She hobbled over to the edge of the patio and stared through the open door of my shed. I did a quick recap and was relieved to remember the bed was made and things were looking pretty shipshape in there. I’d even snapped off a couple of stems of Dom’s wisteria and poked them into an old jam jar on my bedside milk crate. It was surprising how nice it was to roll over and see those flowers the minute I opened my eyes.

I walked over and stood next to her. Our arms were almost touching, and I felt her lean into me ever so slightly and relax into the shape we made. It felt solid and whole and real, and I couldn’t tell who was supporting who. Although I had my suspicions. She took a few shallow breaths and continued.

‘I remember going downstairs and getting on my moped, and while I was riding along I was thinking really hard about dinner. I kept on changing my mind about what I should get and that was making me really angry. Then when I’d absolutely, definitely decided on sausages and chips, I came around a corner and saw that van in the distance, and all of a sudden, I knew sausages and chips was the wrong decision. Like I couldn’t even get that right.’ Lou moved away from me and immediately the whole side of my body felt cold. She took a wobbly step back so she could face me.

‘I had the clearest feeling in that instant that I wasn’t me any more. That I’d actually, finally disappeared.’ She turned her head, but not before I saw the cost of what she’d just said. I was glad I had the rake to hold on to.

‘I remember the exact moment I lifted my hands. It was such a tiny little bit – a couple of millimetres – and I just held them there, above the handlebars. And for a few incredible seconds, everything in the world was completely and utterly still, and I knew perfection existed. Does that make any sense, Danny?’