After a couple of weeks, Pam gave me the key to her flat so I can pick up Bruno and take him back to my place after work, because she has a lot of late meetings. I have to remember to have a supply of fillet steaks on hand, because Pam says Bruno deserves the best, and the last thing I’d want after she’s been at a boring client meeting at a wine bar is to have to come home and cook her dog’s dinner at midnight. (Especially when her work colleague misses his last train and has to come and stay at her place, which has happened a few times.)

Pam is everything I could ever want in a woman, and even though I don’t have much experience, my instincts are telling me she feels the same way about me. She’s always giving me friendly little pokes in the ribs, telling me how cute my love handles are, and making me say tongue-twisters because she says my stammer is adorable. I’ve even heard her joking to her friends on the phone that I’m Bruno’s boyfriend, but here’s the thing: I’m almost sure what Pam really means is she’d like me to be her boyfriend.

You seem like the kind of guy who’s not afraid of anything, so I thought you might have some advice for a bloke who’s pretty much afraid of everything, but especially this.

What should I do to show Pam I want her to be my girlfriend, too?

Neil, Brentford

THAT’S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

Neil. Brace yourself. This is not your girlfriend. To be brutally honest, I’d be quite surprised if she was even your friend. Give back her key, tell her to get a new dog walker, and find yourself someone who looks at you the way Bruno looks at those fillet steaks.

You’ve been right all along – don’t trust your instincts. Because even when you think you know, you don’t always know.

Sorry, mate.

Danny Mulberry

HOT ALICE

Dear Danny Mulberry, when I saw your picture in the Double it made me laugh out loud and you’ll never know how much I needed that, today of all days. I don’t really have an opinion about that stuff you believe in, because I didn’t understand all of it and, hands up, I didn’t even read most of it. But one thing I do believe in is saying it how I see it – and I like what I see. From what I can tell from that photo, you’re pretty good-looking for a guy your age, and in my book there’s nothing hotter than a bad boy. So why don’t you send me your number and maybe we could meet up some time and you can make me laugh in person?

Alice, Romford xx

YES, ALICE

Dear Alice.

0777 234 765

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Wolfie

My birthday falls on the third of July, but sometimes in September. One year, Lou announced my special day on the first of April, which she said made a joke of the whole year, and you can bet that one never got old.