As it goes, they didn’t even need to say anything, because as I stood there, swaying without a breeze, I caught a blurry glimpse of my reflection in the huge mirror on the wall and saw exactly what they did. A scruffy, middle-aged, selfish man, made up of a lifetime of bad habits strung together by a succession of bad decisions. The guy who always fell at the first hurdle when the going got tough. The guy I thought I’d left behind. Hey hombre, I’m home.

Dom was, as ever, calm, rational and kind. He told me, calmly, rationally and kindly, that he’d come home to find Lou beside herself because Wolfie still wasn’t answering her phone. And because I’d also disappeared and wasn’t answering my phone either, she thought that maybe I’d gone looking and we’d ended up somewhere together. So here they were, in my most likely somewhere, to disprove that theory before moving on. I patted my jeans pocket and pulled out my phone, focusing on a notification that told me I had nine missed calls. I frowned, like it was so very strange that I hadn’t heard them, but we all knew it was nothing of the sort.

‘Wolfie’s run away, Lou’s crying, and you’re DRUNK, Danny.’ George’s accusatory tone wasn’t lost on me and I couldn’t possibly have misread his stance; legs apart, little Lacoste-covered arms crossed firmly over his chest, chin jutting out à la Buzz at his best. ‘Lou reckoned you weren’t going to be here, but I knew you was.’ My judge, juror and executioner had already made his ruling and I couldn’t argue with the facts. The defence rests, your honour.

Dom looked down at the floor and gave Gentleman a reassuring rub on the top of his head, which he was swivelling slowly and incredulously as if to say, This place? This is the famous place you’ve spent so much time instead of with me?

I waited for Dom to correct George’s grammar, counting down wonkily in my head. Three, two . . .

‘Come on, George, let’s go.’

He might just as well have stabbed me in the eye. And when I drained my pint, slammed the glass on the bar and said I was coming with them, he looked at me like the most disappointed man in the world that he was.

‘No, you’re all right, Danny. Best not, eh? You’re not looking too clever, mate, I think you’d better try and sort yourself out. You’re no good to anyone like this.’

I was getting ready to argue the point, but my phone slipped out of my hand, and when I bent to pick it up, I lost what balance I had and ended up on the floor tangled up with a couple of bar stools. By the time I extricated myself, they were at the door. Just before they stepped out into the street, George turned back around and eyeballed me. He planted his feet, tiny hands on tiny hips, and shook his head slowly from side to side. Gentleman curled his lip in solidarity, then they turned on heel and paw and left. Right, then, I thought.