It had also crossed my mind that Ray was probably the reason the police had arrived so fortuitously in the first place. The guy spent most of his time prowling the length of our shared hedge with a massive camera and a minuscule notebook, taking pictures of any bird that dared show its beak and trying to see what was going on in my garden shed. Which was overwhelmingly nothing, by the way, but it seemed a shame to crush his dreams, so I occasionally played up to his suspicions for the fun of it. Catching me having an early-morning kip not quite in the front garden and illegally painting the pavement to boot was no doubt extremely gratifying for him. Bless.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that what happened next was probably the residual alcohol in my system doing its thing and, yes, I was still very much trying to impress Officer Hanley. I looked down at the graffiti like I’d single-handedly unearthed the next instalment of the Rosetta Stone, rubbed my chin in what I hoped was a very academic way, and said, ‘So, tell me, Officer Hanley. Where do you stand on the whole cats and kings issue?’

According to my third-last job with a direct marketing company, you’ve got about thirty seconds to make a good first impression on someone and after that you’re basically toast. It felt like I was running dangerously behind schedule.

‘You’ve got to admit it makes you think, doesn’t it?’ I tapped the side of my nose. ‘And you know what they say – cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am.’

That had come out unexpectedly well and I wondered briefly if I should consider drinking more, not less, if it meant I could come up with gems like that. The fact I’d read the quote on the back of a packet of pork scratchings was, as far as I was concerned, beside the point entirely.

Unsurprisingly, Officer Hanley was unimpressed. She rolled her eyes and held open the back door of the police car. ‘OK, Yoda, in you get.’

I silently willed her to put her hand on my head like they do on TV when they’re bundling people into police cars. But even though I hesitated longer than was necessary, there was no sign of that lovely hand coming anywhere near me. I ran my fingers through my slightly sticky hair and minded my own head. As the car door closed behind me, I caught a glint of something over at number 65 and saw Ray skulking behind his front hedge, scribbling in his little notebook. I had no doubt I was headed for a very dishonourable mention on the Neighbourhood Watch community Facebook page at his earliest convenience.

Officer Hanley executed a perfect three-point turn and I gave Ray a wave, just to show no hard feelings if it had been him that grassed me up. He shot me such a filthy look in return, I couldn’t help spontaneously finishing off with a cheery two fingers up at him. Partly because I think I was slightly high on the aroma of Officer Hanley’s shampoo, but also, the guy had been giving me that same look for the better part of a year and, hey, if nothing changes nothing changes. I’m not sure where I read that one.