As the chug of the cab engine faded away, I looked down at where I stood on the slightly faded but still extremely legible words on the pavement that had started this whole thing. One of my feet was on the C and the other on the K, as if I was straddling the worlds of cats and kings. And even though I knew that was definitely something my father would have said, right then it was all me.

Dom was leaning against the frame of the front door, standing slightly behind Lou, like scaffolding. Wolfie and George had their backs to me, loudly trying to coax Gentleman into letting them put George’s school hat on him. Over her daughter’s shoulder Lou had a direct sightline to where I was standing, and I could see her straining to focus in the fading light. When she found me she mouthed, ‘Thank you,’ and I raised my hand in a half-wave.

I mean, I knew I was going to come clean with everyone that I hadn’t really found Wolfie – even George. That all I’d had was a lousy plan to drive around London in circles and that the kid had worked it all out herself. But just for a few minutes, while it lasted, I wanted to enjoy what it felt like to be a good man.

Maybe the wind will change and I’ll stay that way.

50

Wolfie

The day before my mother was a woman who tried to kill herself, she was just another person who only thought about it. For me, it was always only ever going to be about trying to get back to that day.

Is she OK now? I don’t know. I’ll never stop wondering, that I do know. But I’m smarter now and maybe it’s because I’m older, but also maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by some pretty clever people. George, for one. That kid’s taught me more about how to live your life than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m not just talking about learning to love cornflakes.

Now that I’m smarter, I get that some things are true whether I want to believe them or not. I get that you can’t control what’s going to happen next year, next week, or even in the next five minutes. I get that there’s a chance we are all going to live happily ever after, like George is convinced we are, but that there’s also a chance we won’t, and no matter how much you worry about it, that’s not going to change a thing.

I also get that Lou is a lot stronger than I gave her credit for. Don’t get me wrong, she still has her moments when things get a bit hairy, and I have to go around hiding the paracetamol and the moped keys. I’m kidding, although I have done both of those things in the past. (We’ve got a car now, anyway. Four door, not even particularly small.) But I don’t feel like I have to be on constant watch these days, and when I’m away from her, I only think about her maybe 70 per cent of the time.