I guess the bottom line is, I’d like to know what a guy like you would do in my situation. Someone who’s clearly got it all together, spiritually and emotionally, and probably has a wife of twenty years, a couple of kids and a dog (although if so, that must be a big shed). The type of guy who’s smart and enlightened and stands up for his ethics. I don’t even know what my ethics are yet really, but the reason I bring it up is that, whatever they turn out to be, I know I’d turn my back on every one of them if it meant there was a possibility she would ever love me back.

I know I’m making a snap judgement here, but I feel like you and I might be kindred spirits when it comes to love – a bit more Romeo than Heathcliff, if you know what I mean. So maybe you can riddle me this: what would you do if you thought you were in danger of dying from love, Danny Mulberry?

Sam, Twickenham.

IS IT LOVE OR IS IT INDIGESTION?

Hey Sam, I’m very glad to hear from you, actually, because there are things I need to tell you, urgently. Firstly, thanks for the compliments, it’s still quite a novelty to hear that stuff, but I have to say steady on, mate, because at the end of the day I’m just a normal bloke. That said, I do seem to have found myself having to raise the bar a bit since that story came out in the paper and, what can I say, when it comes to love, I do have a certain amount of experience.

I’ve got two words for you: Alison Bailey. She wasn’t my first love, not by a long shot (that was Miss Myer, my year one teacher), but she was definitely the one who made me realise that love is a very serious business. I was in year five when Alison arrived at my school, and the minute I saw her I was toast. She was much taller and, shall we say, way more developed than the other girls in my class, and she was from Texas. That twang in her voice made the vowels sound like honey dripping from the sky, and I can tell you I wasn’t the only guy who fell head over hoof for Alison. But there was no doubt in my mind that not only did I have it bad, I had it the worst.

I joined the posse of boys that buzzed around trying to get her approval, or just her attention really, and the sheer force with which she ignored us all only reinforced my true and deep love for her. I had no clue as to how I was going to win her over, but it didn’t stop me from coming up with elaborate plans that would never be carried out, reams of poetry that would never pass my lips, and painstakingly chosen love songs for mixtapes that would never get made. (I didn’t even have a tape recorder.) I suffered in silence for months, not even telling my mother because I didn’t think I should worry her about the state of my health. But after a while, I guess my father noticed something, and he took me aside and asked me what was going on.