‘Are you nearly done?’ The girl listens to her headset. ‘They’re waiting for it.’

I feel like I’m in a never-ending sewing nightmare. The shirt is a mish-mash of random wavery stitches; in fact I’ve actually stitched the whole thing together. I’m sewing more and more feverishly, backwards and forwards, praying that something gets me out of this …

‘Hello? Excuse me?’ She raises her voice over the sound of the sewing machine. ‘Can you hear me? Hey!’ She bangs a hand on the table. ‘Can you hear me?’

‘Oh.’ I look up as though hearing her for the first time. ‘Sorry. I was just sewing.’

‘The shirt?’ She holds out her hand.

I stare steadily back at her. The blood is pulsing in my ears. Any minute now she’s going to grab the shirt from the sewing machine and it will all be over. And she won’t let me leave and I’ll be arrested by the studio secret police in dark jackets and my whole plan will fail before it’s even begun.

‘Actually … I think I’m going to change career,’ I say in desperation.

‘What?’ The girl gapes at me.

‘Yes. I’ve had a sudden realization. I don’t want to be a seamstress any more, I want to work with animals.’

‘Animals?’ She seems absolutely pole-axed and I take advantage of this fact to get up and start edging past her to the door.

‘Yes. I’m going to go to Borneo and work with gorillas. It’s always been my dream. So, er, thank you for the opportunity.’ I start backing out of the room. ‘Say thank you to Deirdre, too. You’ve all been lovely to work with!’

The girl is still staring at me, open-mouthed, as I hurry out of the double doors. I can hear her calling something, but I don’t stop to listen. I have to get out.

The Missouri Echo

ST LOUIS SENIOR ‘DISCOVERED’ IN HOLLYWOOD GIFT STORE

By: OUR MOVIE REPORTER

When 70-year-old Edna Gatterby from St Louis went on a tour of Sedgewood Studios she expected to end up with a souvenir or two. Instead, she came away with a part in a major Sedgewood production, Fought the Day, a World War Two weepie which begins production next month.

The Missouri senior found herself being screen-tested by director Ron Thickson after an encounter in the gift store. ‘I was browsing for a gift when an old lady tumbled to the ground,’ explained Thickson. ‘As I ran to help her, I caught sight of her face, and she matched perfectly my vision of Vera, the hero’s grandmother.’ Edna was screen-tested later that day and has been offered the small role.

‘I’m ecstatic beyond belief. I’ve always wanted to act,’ commented Edna. ‘I have to thank Rebecca,’ she added, but would not elaborate on who ‘Rebecca’ is.

EIGHT

What a disaster. I never got to meet Nenita Dietz. I never got to meet anyone. When I got outside I was so flustered, I almost ran all the way to the exit, looking behind me all the time for the men in dark jackets. I didn’t even buy any souvenirs, so the whole thing was a total waste. And then Luke wanted to hear all about it, and I had to pretend I’d had a brilliant time.