May I have your address in the UK? I cannot find any record of you on the electoral roll.

President
LHA

TWELVE

I’ve done my research. I’m taking this seriously. I’m going to be the best extra ever.

No, not ‘extra’. The proper term is ‘background actor’. I’ve found out so much on the internet about being an extra, I feel really well prepared. For example, you should always bring playing cards or a book in case you get bored. And you shouldn’t wear green, in case they’re using a green screen for CGI. And you should bring a variety of outfits. Although that doesn’t apply in this case, as apparently our costumes will be provided. A limo has also been provided to take us to the film set, which is definitely not standard practice. They’re being super-nice to us because of Suze being married to Tarkie.

In fact, I’m secretly hoping they might be so nice that they give us each a little line to say. I mean, why not? Obviously not big lines or speeches or anything. Just something small. I could say, ‘’Tis true, cap’n,’ after the Pirate Captain makes a speech. And Suze could say, ‘Land ahoy!’ or ‘Ship ahoy!’ or ‘Pirate ahoy!’ Anything ahoy, really. I’ve been practising a special growly, piratess voice in the mirror, and I’ve read an article on acting for film. It says the most common mistake, even for trained actors, is to over-act, and that the camera picks up the most infinitesimal movements and magnifies them, so you need to make everything tiny.

I’m not sure Suze realizes this, because she’s spent the whole of breakfast doing all these loud warm-up exercises and shaking her hands out to ‘loosen herself up’ and saying ‘Wibble-wobble’ over and over again. But I can’t tell her anything about acting, because she just says, ‘Bex, I went to drama school, remember.’

The film is being shot at a soundstage in Burbank, and that’s where we’re heading right now. Luke is dropping off Minnie at pre-school today, as well as Suze’s children. (As soon as the headmistress found out who Tarkie was, she fell over herself to offer the Cleath-Stuarts temporary places, and the principal of a nearby school immediately found space for Ernest too.) We’re sitting in the limo, watching the billboards speed by and grinning madly at each other. This is the most exciting thing I have done in my life, ever.

I don’t know what the scene’s about – in fact, I don’t really know what the film’s about because all it says online is ‘Drama set on the high seas’. But I’ve done a bit of practice at swinging a cutlass (I used a kitchen knife) because you never know, it might be a fight scene.

‘Hey, Suze, if I have to fight someone, bagsy it’s you,’ I say.

‘Me too,’ agrees Suze at once. ‘Except, will the womenfolk fight? They might just look on and jeer.’