‘Not real walls, Chinese walls.’

Suze doesn’t look convinced. ‘I still don’t like it. I think you should be on the same side.’

‘Well, so do I,’ I say defensively. ‘But what am I supposed to do? I tried styling Sage and she wasn’t interested.’

‘Style a different celebrity, then.’

‘Who? They’re not exactly queuing up for my services, are they?’ I feel a bit ratty with Suze, partly because I know she’s got a point. ‘Look, it’ll be fine. It’ll be like that film where the husband and wife are opposing lawyers in the courtroom, but when they’re at home everything’s fine and lovely.’

‘What film?’ says Suze suspiciously.

‘Er … you know. That one.’

I’m making this up as I go along, but I won’t admit it.

‘What’s it called?’ demands Suze.

‘It doesn’t matter what it’s called. Look, I’m only in Hollywood once, Suze. I have to at least see if I can make it as a stylist.’ As I say the words, I realize how much I’ve been wanting this opportunity; how disappointed I’ve been at all my failures. And now a real, proper chance is within my grasp. ‘Luke will understand,’ I add. ‘I’ll work it out with him somehow. It’ll all be OK.’

BACKGROUND ARTISTS UNLIMITED AGENCY APPLICATION FORM FOR ARTISTS

Title (delete as appropriate): Mr/Mrs/Ms Lady

Forename (s): Susan deLaney Margaret

Surname: Cleath-Stuart

Date of Birth: Didn’t you know that it’s not done to ask someone’s age?

Place of Birth: Sandringham, in the riding stables (Mummy had just been out hunting).

Previous Acting Experience: I played a bumble-bee at Mrs Darlington’s Academy and then I was a rabbit, and then I was that Blanche Dubois, my most brilliant role, and then that girl in The Merchant of Venice. Oh, and Juliet. Except we only did three scenes, because Shakespeare IS a bit long.

Special Skills (e.g. riding, juggling): Oh, loads! Riding, tennis, fly-fishing, yoga, making photo frames, flower arranging, folding napkins into shapes, icing cakes (I did a course, Daddy thought I might go into catering). I’m not much good at typing but I could always pretend. And if you’re filming a movie set in an old English house, I can tell you where the knives and forks go, because you always get it wrong. And the English don’t all wear tweed the whole time. Oh, and WHY are the villains always British??

Accents: I can do a brilliant American accent. And French. I can do Welsh but it starts to sound Indian.

Are you willing to appear nude? Are you mad? What would Daddy say? And my husband? Anyway, why do you need anyone to appear nude? When anyone strips off on the screen I start squirming with embarrassment and my husband gets up and says, ‘Who’s for a titchy?’ People in films should keep their clothes on. Apart from Captain Jack Sparrow, he can take his off!! (Don’t tell Tarkie I said that.)

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THIRTEEN

It’ll be fine. I’ve dealt with many awkward social encounters in my time; it’ll be fine. I mean, OK, so I’ve never met a movie star who: 1. I’ve caught shoplifting; 2. has a tricky reputation (perhaps undeserved); 3. I know the entire life history of, having Googled her solidly for about three days.