Thank you for your interest.

Kyle Heiling

Achievement Manager (Eastern Arts)

Beauty on the Boulevard

9500 BEVERLY BOULEVARD

BEVERLY HILLS, LOS ANGELES CA 90210

Dear Mrs Brandon

Thank you for your letter.

Unfortunately, I cannot confirm whether the woman browsing at the La Mer stand was ‘Julie Andrews in dark glasses and a headscarf’.

I therefore cannot pass on your comments, ‘How hot was Captain von Trapp in real life?’ or ‘I’m sorry I sang “The Lonely Goatherd” at you, I was just very excited.’ Nor can I pass on your invitation to ‘come round for a fun sing-along with apple strudel’.

In answer to your further inquiry, we do not throw ‘Welcome to LA’ parties, nor offer free gifts to new arrivals; not even teeth-whitening kits to ‘help them fit in’. However, I wish you every success with your imminent move to LA.

Thank you for your interest.

Customer Services Consultant

ONE

OK. Don’t panic. Don’t panic.

I’ll escape from this. Of course I will. It’s not like I’ll be trapped here in this hideous confined space, with no hope of release, for ever … is it?

As calmly as possible, I assess the situation. My ribs are squashed so that I can hardly breathe, and my left arm is pinned behind me. Whoever constructed this ‘restraining fabric’ knew what they were doing. My right arm is also pinned at an awkward angle. If I try to reach my hands forward, the ‘restraining fabric’ bites into my wrists. I’m stuck. I’m powerless.

My face is reflected, ashen, in the mirror. My eyes are wide and desperate. My arms are criss-crossed with black shiny bands. Is one of them supposed to be a shoulder strap? Does that webbing stuff go around the waist?

Oh God. I should never ever have tried on the size 4.

‘How are you doing in there?’ It’s Mindy, the sales assistant, calling from outside the cubicle curtain, and I start in alarm. Mindy is tall and rangy with muscled thighs that start three inches apart. She looks like she probably runs up a mountain every day and doesn’t even know what a KitKat is.

She’s asked three times how I’m doing and each time I’ve just called out shrilly, ‘Great, thanks!’ But I’m getting desperate. I’ve been struggling with this ‘Athletic Shaping All-in-One’ for ten minutes. I can’t keep putting her off for ever.

‘Amazing fabric, right?’ says Mindy enthusiastically. ‘It has three times the restraining power of normal spandex. You totally lose a size, right?’

Maybe I have, but I’ve also lost half my lung capacity.

‘Are you doing OK with the straps?’ comes Mindy’s voice. ‘You want me to come in the fitting room and help you adjust it?’

Come in the fitting room? There’s no way I’m letting a tall, tanned, sporty Angeleno come in here and see my cellulite.

‘No, it’s fine, thanks!’ I squeek.