—all in a conversation

why did loving you

have to be

so goddamn messy?

i am still scrubbing

you out of

my skin.

—remaining

i have been working

to redefine love,

to open a dictionary

and rip out the words

that are printed there:

you, you, you.

you see,

when you love somebody

for too long and too much,

they morph definitions

into dungeons,

connotation

into chains.

so i have been working

to redefine love,

to break free of this prison

you’ve locked me in.

i swear to god,

one day your name

will not be there

in my name’s place.

—redefining love

do you know

how hard it is

to see the

person you want

to forget most

in everything you love?

—you haunt me

this pain,

it has stuck with me for three years.

it started the day i met you,

and has not left since.

i don’t know how to make this any easier for myself.

i don’t know what to do with this ache—

i just know i don’t want it anymore.

i told myself i had forgiven you,

but if i have, why does it still burn?

if i’ve forgiven you,

why are there still so many

poems left in me to write?

if i’ve really let this go,

why does everything

still hurt so

fucking

much?

—the answer is because i haven’t

it’s amazing how easy it was

for you to break me.

but it’s also amazing

how easy it is

for me to marinate

in all this hurt.

it’s like i am determined

to make it good,

to make this pain feel

less like a prison cell

and more like a rose garden—

to transform it into

something beautiful

and pretty for everybody

else to reap the benefits of.

they smell the roses

but they don’t cut themselves

on the thorns:

they admire the petals

but don’t have to wash

their hands of all the dirt.

the truth is that

it’s so much easier

to think that there’s

a way this could

be beautiful.

but there isn’t.

nothing about this—

the crying, the shaking,

the anxiety, the attacks,

the paranoia, the trust issues,

the anger, the confusion,

the hatred, the grief,

the healing, the haunting,

the remembering, the analyzing,

the apologizing, the freezing,

the pain, the pain,

the pain, the pain—

is beautiful.

i wish time

were less cruel.

i wish i had forgotten

what it felt like

to love you

before i knew

what sat behind

your smile:

that fire, that burn,

that heartbeat,

that mouth.

i wish time

would let me forget,

i wish time

knew i’d learned

my lesson.

i wish time

would let it go.

i wish i could

stop seeing your face

every time somebody

sings that godforsaken song,

i wish time

would let me forget

the sound of your voice.

which is to say,

i wish i could just forget.

which is to say,

time would let me forget

if i wanted it badly enough.

which is to say,