thank you for igniting in me the fire that has not dimmed since you first broke my heart. thank you for helping me realize that i was more than a sad girl. i know you wanted me to reach for the stars and take what it was that i desired.

i hope you know that i am.

2

ocean blue

for the love that was not ready

and bloomed too soon

between a sad boy and broken girl

who had no idea how to fix what couldn’t be.

you were a love of learning.

before you,

i was filled with misconceptions about love

and what it could be.

i did not think love could just be easy—

and with you it could have been.

if only i had listened.

if only i had let it.

—this one was my fault

before anything,

you were my friend.

it didn’t take long

for us to find our rhythm.

i spent hours talking

to you.

but while the words

came easily,

my heart did not.

still broken,

still bruised,

i thrust it towards you

when it did not want to go.

stop,

it cried,

i am not ready.

i am still hurting from

the last one.

i should’ve listened.

i should’ve listened.

i should’ve listened.

—but i didn’t

perhaps if i had let

us simmer a bit longer,

we would’ve gone down

the way we should have.

—i drank us cold

question:

how do you make a relationship work

when one half holds the weight of depression

and the other half is too selfish

to help them carry it?

answer:

you don’t.

for the first few months of our friendship,

i didn’t know.

i didn’t know that behind your laugh, your loud voice, your sense of humor,

there lurked a sadness.

i think i was mad at you for not telling me sooner, but i can’t remember.

there was a lot of anger with us, and i can’t place a lot of it in order.

either way, i never told you,

because i never told you a lot of things.

i never told you how scared it made me,

that i didn’t know how to help you.

i never told you how much i missed you, either,

but that wasn’t because of the “never” part of us,

it was because of the “too late.”

if i told you something it was too late.

i said sorry too late.

i asked if we were okay too late.

in hindsight, i think i told you i loved you too late, too.

don’t date somebody

for the purposes of having

an interesting love story,

or a mountain to climb,

or somebody to save.

people aren’t

fucking trophies

and their trauma

isn’t an award for you

to put on your wall.

so, take a second

and think to yourself:

are you dating somebody

because you love them?

or are you dating them

because you want

everybody else