i know i seemed distant, but i was doing it to protect you. i know it seemed like i pushed you away, but i knew you wouldn’t be able to move on if i didn’t give you the space to. and i think, in your heart, you understood that. i don’t know if you wanted to, though. and i get why. it seemed as if i was playing a cruel game with you, but i wasn’t. i promise i wasn’t.

i don’t know when you decided you had to hate me to be able to let go. i don’t know who told you that was a good idea. because let me tell you something: the lovers i have tried to hate are the ones that have stuck to me the longest. i think that is the case with most people.

so if you never want to talk to me again, then that’s okay. i won’t hate you back. i couldn’t. i owe you nearly everything, and that doesn’t change—not now, not ever. but i won’t miss you. i won’t beg forgiveness for a crime i didn’t commit. i won’t dwell.

i walked away three summers ago because i knew our love was over. i have become good at recognizing the writing on the wall when it comes to that type of thing. i guess i am not as good at recognizing the writing when it comes to friendships.

maybe one day you’ll realize it’s a lot easier to hate people who actually did something to deserve it, and a lot harder to smear hatred on the faces of those you’re just trying to stop loving.

6

emerald green

for the planting of a sapling

of a love that was going to

take root and grow,

and last and last and last.

the one before you helped shine sunlight on my leaves.

but you are the one who made me blossom.

—everlasting

one of the first nights

i told you

about the ones

who came before

i told you

about the first

how he gave me

my first taste

of love

only to take it away

so cruelly

i told you

about the second

how he taught me

that love takes

work

patience

and time

i told you

about the third

how he showed me

that love could

be calm and simple

and let down easily

i told you

about the fourth

how he destroyed me

and gave me wounds

that have yet

to finish

healing

i told you

about the fifth

how he showed me

that love could save

and give you hope

when you thought

you’d lost it

you asked

what do you think

i will show you

i told you

i think you will show me

that love

can last

listen to me:

it is okay

to take time

for yourself

to look deep

into the roots

of your soul

to examine

the vines stretching

out under your skin