i don’t know if i can wish you happiness just yet. i think, i think i wish you justice, first. i wish for your heart to be absolutely destroyed. i wish for all the pain you caused me, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, to come back on you all at once. and then, once you understand why i just can’t shut the fuck up about what we had, why i’ve written a whole book and half of another one centered on the destruction you caused, then you can be happy. you can find a girl and marry her and grow old with her and do all the things you promised to do with me (and all of the others).

but when that break happens, i will know. we will all know. we will feel the ripple from wherever we are.

because all the love you took from us?

it will finally come back.

5

golden yellow

for the calm after the storm,

the sun breaking through the clouds—

a love meant to save,

but never meant to stay.

you found me when i was

b r

o

ke n

ap a

r t

and held out your hand.

“come with me,”

you said,

“i will help put you back t o g e t her.”

you were the sun

after the storm,

blasting away the clouds

of gray

to fill me

with light.

but:

i don’t believe in saviors—

the only person who can save me,

is me.

i started saving myself

when i realized i was trapped,

and began searching

for a way out.

you may have reached

your hand out to me,

but i saved myself

when i chose to take it.

—don’t get it twisted

you were my reminder.

my reminder that

i deserve

good things

and good love.

my reminder that

there will always

be people who are

willing to give those

to me.

scene:

we are playing hide-and-seek—childish, i know. but it was a tradition to kick off the beginning of the summer. a strange thing perhaps, for upperclassmen in high school to be doing, but we don’t care.

we find ourselves hiding together behind a bush, pressed up against the brick wall of a house.

you wrap your arms around me, and i can feel your heart pounding. “you’re nervous,” i say.

“of course i am,” you respond, “i really like you.”

“i really like you too.” i smile up at you in the dying sunlight. “can i kiss you?”

“yes,” you breathe, so we do, and i forget about the game and him and all the parts of me he broke, and i just feel you, for once, i feel something other than him when kissing somebody else, and that’s when i know.

that’s when i realize you would be the one to finally, finally set me free.

end scene

in you

i found

salvation

in you