On the other end of the line there’s a silence, stretching, opening a gap up under me. And then: ‘… Jennifer, I didn’t know whether to say anything. I mean, I know you’ve said ten to everything on the questionnaire, and I didn’t mean to intrude but – you don’t sound too great.’

A thick lump catches in my throat. But I’ve been discharged, haven’t I, so what can she do?

‘I know,’ I say. ‘But it’s fine. I’ll be fine.’

All Freya called for was some stupid questionnaire. At best, she will tell me to book an appointment with my GP, go back through appropriate channels, explain everything from the beginning, get myself referred all over again.

I loosen my grip on my mobile. I’ll hang up before she can tell me that, I won’t make her say it, she doesn’t need to, I’ll just go. But just as the handset is slipping from my ear, I hear her:

‘I think I should come and see you,’ she says.

Chapter 15

I’m expecting Freya to visit at any moment, but for the rest of the day there is nothing. The next morning, I call up the Community Mental Health Team and leave a message on the automated voicemail. Maybe someone passed it on to her or maybe they didn’t, but either way, no one calls me back. When I try to call Marianne, she doesn’t even seem to have her phone switched on.

The reality of my suspension sinks in. While Charlie is at school, I’m completely on my own.

I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. It isn’t good for me to be alone like this. I don’t do well when left with just my own thoughts and without anything real to attach myself to.

I try to get out, give myself some structure. I get on a bus from the top of Brixton Hill and ride it to the other end of London and back. From the upper deck, I can see thousands of people, every conceivable colour, shape and size. But I don’t know a single one of them and being among all these people makes me lonelier than ever. I’ve been in London for nearly four years and haven’t made one single friend. There is no one I could get off and talk to, no one I can call up to go for coffee with, no one who might call round unexpectedly. No friends, and my family never visit.