My hands are in my pockets. I can feel the plastic card there, right under my fingers. There’s a sea of people between me and the door. I’m worried about me too, I want to say. But I just need answers to all of this. Then I’ll be fine.

‘I want to …’ I’m suddenly so aware of the state I’m in: my untidy hair, the bags beneath my eyes, all the hesitations in my voice, all the weight that I’ve lost. Freya only needs to ask me one more question, with that probing concern, those observant hazel eyes.

She is standing there, hardly a foot separating us, still holding out the coffee to me. Despite the noise, she speaks so softly. ‘Here, Jennifer. Why don’t you take this?’

I look down at her, straight into her eyes.

‘Take it. Listen, Jennifer … I think you need to stop all this.’

I feel as though she can see right into me. As though I can’t hide a single thing from her. Part of me desperately wants to reach out and take the paper cup from her. But I’m quite frozen. I shake my head.

‘I’m sorry …’

‘Please, Jenn. For your own sake, come and sit down. Don’t you think you should just sit down?’

One is completely disagree, ten completely agree. Ten, I want to say. Because she’s right, isn’t she? Look at what has happened to me since the day we found Sarah. But I so desperately need to make sense of what happened, and so I need to leave Freya thinking I’m fine. I can’t give in to her, I can’t stop all this now.

My voice comes out not much more than a whisper. ‘I’m sorry, Freya, I have to get to work. Thank you for the coffee, but I haven’t … I can’t …’

I step backwards, bumping into someone behind me, their sticky coffee slopping onto my hand. I leave Freya standing there, holding out our drinks.

I hear her last words, called out to me as I turn my back and scramble away through the crowd.

‘Just know that I warned you. I really did my best!’

Chapter 29

BACK THEN

It turns out it was just a graze in the end.

But that night, Prin wakes up because Jane is crying out again in her sleep. Big fat wails that are sure to wake Daddy and Mum. Prin slithers out of bed, her feet finding the hot floor below. The night is so warm she can hardly breathe. She goes over to Jane’s bed and puts both hands on Jane’s shoulder, giving her a shake.