I think of my mother clutching her rosary beads in that busy corridor, believing they hold some sort of magic that will make Matthew survive this, and maybe they do? I’d turn to anything now if it meant my brother was going to be up and alive and healthy, living the life he always wanted to. Oh, how could I have been so blind, so naïve not to have known this all along? How did he keep this to himself and, more to the point, why? And the most ironic thing of all is that he left Dublin, a cosmopolitan, diverse city where anything goes, to find himself back in Loughisland where the chances of him meeting someone were very, very slim – and yet he met Martin and was on the road to happiness. All until I mentioned Tom. What the hell?

‘I’d better go back to my family to see if there’s any more news,’ I say to Tom, not wanting to end our conversation but knowing there should be some updates by now. ‘God, I wish you were here with me. I could be doing with one of your hugs.’

I realize as I say it that it’s very unlikely to happen, and Tom’s response isn’t as enthusiastic as I’d hoped it would be either.

‘I think I’m the last person your family needs around them right now, Charlie,’ he says to me. I hear his voice quiver. ‘I shouldn’t have gone looking for you like I did, stirring up old feelings and trouble. What on earth was I thinking? I’m so, so sorry for all the mess I’ve caused you all.’

‘No, Tom, please don’t say that!’ I plead with him. ‘It’s not your fault! And I don’t want to give up on us now. Not after yesterday. Please don’t say that.’

But in my gut, I know that he’s right of course. If Matthew’s feelings for Tom awakened his sexuality, drove him into a dark depression that caused him to lose his beloved band and almost his mind, how could he ever watch me and Tom together? It’s never going to work, no matter how much we want it to.

‘We can’t just leave it like this, can we?’ I say to him. ‘I don’t want to leave it like this. You know we’ve something special, you even said it yourself.’

Tears are streaming down my face now and my throat feels like it’s closing in panic. This is all too much to process. Yesterday we were so happy, we knew it was all meant to be, and I had so much hope in going home to tell my brother once and for all he couldn’t control other people’s feelings … but this? This is more than any of us could ever have imagined.