Not yet. But I know that day will come very soon with so much against us. How can I possibly pile any more pain on Matthew? I would never forgive myself.

I look at the clock on the wall ahead of me. It’s after nine in the evening, reminding me we’ve been here for four hours now. The longest four hours of my entire life.

‘Stay strong, Charlie Taylor,’ Tom whispers. ‘You’re made of solid stuff. You’re going to be fine and so is Matthew, I just know it. I’m here for you, always, even if it’s just someone to vent to when you feel like it. Look, I’d better go. Please know I’m thinking of you constantly, every second, and I mean that. I’m going nowhere. I’ll be there for you always, no matter what.’

I grip the phone. I don’t want him to hang up. I don’t want to go back in there and hear what I’m going to hear from the doctors. I don’t want to just vent to Tom when I need to, I want to be with him just like we were yesterday, so close, so at home, making plans and celebrating our second chance of being together.

‘Thank you, Tom,’ I whisper, unable to hide my sobbing now. ‘I’ll be in touch, OK?’

‘Yes,’ he says, trying to be strong. ‘We’ll chat again really soon. I’m here for you, always, Charlie. I mean that.’

And I so want to believe him, but deep in the back of my broken, muddled, loved-up mind is the knowledge that me and Tom Farley will never be simple. In fact, after today, I fear we might never, ever make it happen at all.

Chapter Six

Dublin, March 2016

There are days, when I sit here in my classroom, staring out at the spring sunshine spilling onto the daffodils and snowdrops in the school garden, that I wonder how on earth nine weeks have passed since I said goodbye to Tom Farley.

We tried so hard to keep it going, but no matter how much we tried to disguise it or deny it, the enormity of Matthew’s brush with death was like an elephant in the room and we just couldn’t get past it.

‘Go away somewhere for a few days, just the two of you,’ said Emily, forever our cheerleader. She knew I was crazy about Tom and how long I’d pined for him, but no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t lay my guilt to rest. I needed to be near Matthew, morning, noon and night when I wasn’t working, and soon Tom felt like he was only adding more pressure to my already messed-up mind.