Instead I tangled everything up and went to a concert looking for some stupid closure on an issue that should be long dead and buried in my head. Why am I still haunted by Tom Farley? Why can’t I just let him go forever? Why can’t I be straightforward and live in the present instead of wondering about the past? I can’t stand myself right now. I can’t interpret my own feelings, never mind explain them to my husband. I’m such an idiot. I’m about to ruin the best thing I’ve ever had and I’ve no idea how to stop myself.

I’m so utterly confused and twisted up inside from my head to my toes. I’ve no clue what to do or what to say to my husband who is upstairs getting ready to leave me for the first time since our wedding day. The thought of him being so far away is enough to spring more tears in my eyes but I can’t go on feeling sorry for myself.

This was my mess in the first place, and it’s time I dealt with it once and for all.

‘I have to go now,’ says Jack when he comes back downstairs over an hour later. ‘I need to clear my head before I go to the airport.’

I must have cried myself to sleep because my eyes are sore. When I look at the clock I realize Jack has been upstairs for longer than I realized. He’s probably been to the dry cleaners and back again. I drag myself up off the sofa. I feel sticky and dirty and I’m so afraid right now. I’m scared stiff of losing the one person who I never wanted to hurt.

I was meant to be driving him to the airport. I’m not even dressed yet. I’m an absolute mess.

‘But you’ve another hour before you need to leave,’ I say to him. ‘Let me get ready quickly and I’ll drive you there. Jack, please. Please don’t leave like this.’

He can’t even look me in the eye. He looks exhausted, drained and deflated, not like my intelligent, handsome husband at all. How could I have been so stupid? Emily’s words ring in my ears from the day in our apartment in Merrion Square when she warned me that I should let Jack go if I still had feelings for Tom Farley.

But I’ve no idea if I do or not. All I know right now is that I don’t want to lose Jack. Am I being selfish? Do I still have feelings for Tom, deep down? Why did last night affect me so badly? I can’t think straight. I’m panicking and I can’t think.