I nodded, still not quite able to wrap my head around the fact that he could think such a thing. “And he thought I was mad at him because of my scars. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that I was hurt and angry because he left. I just”—I sighed—“I thought he knew me better than that.”

Caelyn rubbed a hand up and down my back. “Grief has a way of warping the way we see ourselves and the world around us. Him thinking those things, it doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s because he blames himself.”

Caelyn’s words had my gut twisting, guilt swamping me. I didn’t want to feel sympathy for Ford. I wanted to hold on to my anger. Because anger was a much more comfortable place for me to live than the messiness of the other emotions that swam around Ford and me. “I hate that he’s been living with those thoughts in his head. But I just can’t let go of my mad either.”

“You’re allowed to have both, Bell.” Caelyn’s hand stilled on my back. “You’ve always been all or nothing. But life is shades of gray. You can be upset and hurt and still love him.”

My body tensed when she said “love.” Of course I loved Ford. He’d been in my life since the day I was born. But the word had guilt bubbling up inside me. Guilt for the feelings I’d had for my sister’s boyfriend, guilt for the strands of attraction I still felt today.

Guilt because I was here, and she wasn’t.

I swallowed it all down, trying to lock it away. “For so long, I wanted nothing more than for him to come back. And now…I just wish he’d stayed in LA.” Because while Ford had been gone, I’d put my broken life back together. I had been doing just fine. No, more than fine, I’d been doing great. And having him back…it was like having mostly healed stitches ripped open.

“You might not be glad now, but you will be one day.”

I twisted to face Caelyn. “Why?”

She lifted a shoulder and gave me a small smile. “Because he’s a part of you.”

15

FORD

A sharp breeze cut in from the ocean as I walked along the shore. I welcomed the slight sting against my cheeks. I hadn’t slept a single minute last night. After Bell had stormed upstairs, I’d stood in stunned silence for…I didn’t know how long.