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Back Rabbit Hole Save as PDF
Chapters (73)
  1. Rabbit Hole
  2. Also by Mark Billingham
  3. Title Page
  4. Copyright
  5. Dedication
  6. Epigraph
  7. Preface
  8. PART ONE
  9. ONE
  10. TWO
  11. THREE
  12. FOUR
  13. FIVE
  14. SIX
  15. SEVEN
  16. EIGHT
  17. NINE
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. THIRTY-TWO
  41. THIRTY-THREE
  42. PART TWO
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. FIFTY
  60. FIFTY-ONE
  61. FIFTY-TWO
  62. FIFTY-THREE
  63. FIFTY-FOUR
  64. FIFTY-FIVE
  65. FIFTY-SIX
  66. FIFTY-SEVEN
  67. FIFTY-EIGHT
  68. PART THREE
  69. FIFTY-NINE
  70. SIXTY
  71. EPILOGUE
  72. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  73. Back Cover

Yeah, I know Johnno was your friend too, and what happened to him obviously hit you very hard. Every bit as hard as it hit me, harder even, I know that now. I suppose that’s when all your problems started, the drink and the drugs, and that’s one of the reasons I feel bad telling you all this now, because it could so easily have been me that lost it and ended up the same as you.

Maybe that’s why I came to the hospital as often as I did. There but for the grace of God, all that.

I’ve been talking to the therapist I went to see after what happened to Johnno and she said this was a good idea. Me finally telling you everything, I mean. She told me that it might be painful, but that being honest would be better in the long run. For both of us, she said.

I do feel like I was responsible in some way for what you went through. I should never have told you everything that happened in that flat, because I know now that it’s what you came to believe had happened to you. I feel like I planted the idea or something. I know you did believe it, too. I never felt like you were stealing my life, anything like that. I know you couldn’t help it, Al. But I also know that I can’t carry on pretending it’s just this weird thing that happened. We both need to be honest with ourselves.

I said something before about being brave enough to finally send this, but I know I’m actually being a coward because I’m just pressing a button and not sitting down and talking this through with you in person. I just couldn’t face that, so I’m sorry again. More sorry.

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do medically or whatever, but I’ve looked this stuff up online and nobody seems to know what the right thing is or when the right time might be. It’s the right thing for me though, I know that. There have been far too many lies already and my sanity matters every bit as much as yours.

I really hope you’ve already started coming out the other side of all this. I hope you’re better and getting on with a normal life. You deserve to be happy.

I want the best for you, Al, I promise you that.

Take care, mate.

Banksy x

Detective Sergeant Tim Banks read through the email he’d agonised over long into a great many nights and rewritten so often that he’d forgotten what it had said to begin with. He closed the email and dragged it into the drafts folder. He finished what was left in his wineglass, then opened the email again.