Chapters (73)
- Rabbit Hole
- Also by Mark Billingham
- Title Page
- Copyright
- Dedication
- Epigraph
- Preface
- PART ONE
- ONE
- TWO
- THREE
- FOUR
- FIVE
- SIX
- SEVEN
- EIGHT
- NINE
- TEN
- ELEVEN
- TWELVE
- THIRTEEN
- FOURTEEN
- FIFTEEN
- SIXTEEN
- SEVENTEEN
- EIGHTEEN
- NINETEEN
- TWENTY
- TWENTY-ONE
- TWENTY-TWO
- TWENTY-THREE
- TWENTY-FOUR
- TWENTY-FIVE
- TWENTY-SIX
- TWENTY-SEVEN
- TWENTY-EIGHT
- TWENTY-NINE
- THIRTY
- THIRTY-ONE
- THIRTY-TWO
- THIRTY-THREE
- PART TWO
- THIRTY-FOUR
- THIRTY-FIVE
- THIRTY-SIX
- THIRTY-SEVEN
- THIRTY-EIGHT
- THIRTY-NINE
- FORTY
- FORTY-ONE
- FORTY-TWO
- FORTY-THREE
- FORTY-FOUR
- FORTY-FIVE
- FORTY-SIX
- FORTY-SEVEN
- FORTY-EIGHT
- FORTY-NINE
- FIFTY
- FIFTY-ONE
- FIFTY-TWO
- FIFTY-THREE
- FIFTY-FOUR
- FIFTY-FIVE
- FIFTY-SIX
- FIFTY-SEVEN
- FIFTY-EIGHT
- PART THREE
- FIFTY-NINE
- SIXTY
- EPILOGUE
- ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
- Back Cover
I remember doing a lot of shouting, and even if I can’t remember what the words were – I mean there probably weren’t any words – I know I did, because it felt like I’d swallowed glass for a couple of days afterwards.
I remember someone knocking, asking if I was all right.
I remember ringing Howard back, but he obviously saw it was me calling and didn’t answer, so I just did the same thing as when I’d left that message for Andy and said the C-word over and over again for ages. I knew it would be OK, though, because there wasn’t any chance Howard would be writing Bakshi a letter.
Mostly, though, I remember my conversation with Johnno, because it was only when he started talking some sense into me that things became clearer and I began to feel they were a bit less hopeless. To see another option.
‘It’s like with the Evans case,’ Johnno said. ‘Like with Ralph Cox.’
‘Is it?’
‘You just need to find a different way, that’s all. Something a bit more direct.’
He was sitting next to me on the floor, in that brown suede jacket I always liked. I told him that he should probably be holding on to something if he didn’t want to crash into the ceiling, but he told me he could look after himself. He smiled a bit when he said that, like he knew very well how ironic it was.
‘I’m sorry, Johnno.’
‘About what?’
‘About everything, mate. You and Maggie and the baby. Letting you down, I mean.’
‘You didn’t let me down, you soft sod.’
‘You know that when I try to picture your face it’s always got blood on it? Just . . . spatter. Did I ever tell you that? Sometimes I see it on my fingers, too, and my clothes . . . like when you and me were on the Job and they spray stuff with luminol to show up the blood.’
‘You didn’t let anyone down, Al.’
‘I’m a walking fucking crime scene, Johnno.’
‘You’re not going to let Kevin down, either. I know you’re not . . .’
And then I was properly calm. Getting there, anyway. I wasn’t thinking about the money any more, or gathering evidence; none of it.
I knew exactly what I needed to do.
THIRTY-TWO
THIRTY-TWO
I collared her outside the nurses’ station after dinner.
‘Debbie, can I have a word?’
‘Course you can, darlin’.’
‘In private, I mean.’
She glanced at her watch then pointed towards one of the examination rooms. ‘Let’s go in there.’
When I’d sat down, I nodded towards the door she’d left open. ‘You might want to shut that,’ I said.
She shrugged then pushed the door until it was almost closed. ‘I’ll leave it open just a little bit,’ she said.
Like she thought I was dangerous.
‘It’s fine,’ I said. Because I was.