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Back Rabbit Hole Save as PDF
Chapters (73)
  1. Rabbit Hole
  2. Also by Mark Billingham
  3. Title Page
  4. Copyright
  5. Dedication
  6. Epigraph
  7. Preface
  8. PART ONE
  9. ONE
  10. TWO
  11. THREE
  12. FOUR
  13. FIVE
  14. SIX
  15. SEVEN
  16. EIGHT
  17. NINE
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. THIRTY-TWO
  41. THIRTY-THREE
  42. PART TWO
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. FIFTY
  60. FIFTY-ONE
  61. FIFTY-TWO
  62. FIFTY-THREE
  63. FIFTY-FOUR
  64. FIFTY-FIVE
  65. FIFTY-SIX
  66. FIFTY-SEVEN
  67. FIFTY-EIGHT
  68. PART THREE
  69. FIFTY-NINE
  70. SIXTY
  71. EPILOGUE
  72. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  73. Back Cover

Hey, Al. Sorry it’s been so long and that I haven’t been to see you in your new place. Sorry I haven’t called or returned your messages. I’m sorry if you think I haven’t been a good friend, but trust me, I really have. That’s what all this is about really and the big SORRY is for what I need to say, what I haven’t been brave enough to say until now.

God this is hard to write.

I’ve been waiting until I was sure that you were doing better and it certainly sounds like you’re getting back on track. I couldn’t be happier about that, I swear, and I want you to remember that when you get to the end of this. If you’re feeling like you never want to see or hear from me again.

The truth is I should never have come to see you in the hospital. I mean, I wanted to see you as a friend, but I shouldn’t have helped you. I shouldn’t have let myself get involved in it all. I should never have got sucked in.

I need to say straight away that civilian support staff do an important and incredible job for the Met. You did an incredible job and you should be proud of everything you did to help coppers like me. But it’s not the same, Al, it’s really not and this is the bit I’ve been most scared about writing, but I just need to say it, nice and simple.

You aren’t a police officer. You were never a police officer.

I’m sorry, mate, but there it is. I know that while you were in hospital, a lot of people in there played along with the fantasy. Maybe they didn’t know it was a fantasy, I mean you’re an adult so why shouldn’t they believe what you tell them? Did they ever actually check? The police officers who came to the ward knew the truth, I’m fairly sure of that. The shrink working with them and the DI who made the arrest certainly did, but at any rate nobody ever seemed to contradict you or try to tell you that you were . . . Christ, I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t really want to say deluded, because that makes it sound like you weren’t suffering and I know you were. But it was a delusion and that’s all there is to it.

This next bit is difficult, too . . .

It feels like I’m ripping off a sticking plaster or something, but I need to do it.

Johnno was my partner and not yours. My partner, Al. I was the one who went with him to that flat in Mile End and I was the one who watched him bleed to death. I was the one who fucked up.