I try to remember the fun Walter and I had together. The endless walks by the river. His kisses, tender and sweet. The light in his eyes when he met mine. His words, his hands, the warmth of his body against me. His dear, beautiful face.

Oh, Walter, how I miss you.

And the pain overwhelms me once again.

*

Freshly shaved and the enema having done its trick, Dr Kaufman is trying to get me to lie on the bed. But I don’t want to lie on the bed. It feels all wrong, lying on my back with the great weight of the baby pressing down. So, I’m on all fours, making a slow, crawling circuit around the room, bathed in sweat, groaning with each building mountain of pain. As the light outside fades, the louder I groan. In some weird way, this eases the suffering.

‘I wasn’t able to get hold of any sedative,’ Dr Kaufman says apologetically. ‘It’s very difficult for me to get any supplies.’

‘Just do whatever you can to help her,’ Frau Bäcker says, wringing her hands. ‘We’ve tried our best to sterilise the room and I’ve boiled all the towels and bed linen.’

I’m tossed over and over on great waves of agony. Time rolls by until I’ve lost all track of it. Minutes pass, or hours. I’ve no idea. I’m inside myself. Deep inside. Conversation between Dr Kaufman, Erna and her mother goes on above me. I swirl in and out of it. I rock back and forth, possessed and controlled by some animal-instinct. I’ve lost all other care for anything.

Why in hell’s name do people have babies?

‘I need to listen to the baby’s heartbeat,’ Dr Kaufman tells me gently. ‘I need you to get onto the bed so that I can check it is okay.’

‘No,’ I tell him, ‘I’m not getting on the bed.’

‘I need to examine you. Down there.’ He points between my legs. ‘I have to see how close to the birth you are.’

‘No!’ I shout. ‘I’m not getting on the bed and you’re not looking at me!’

I begin to sob and resume my crawling.

‘It’s been hours now,’ I hear Dr Kaufman tell Erna and Frau Bäcker. ‘I’m worried the baby has become stuck. I really need to perform an examination, but she won’t allow me. She’s getting more and more tired. She will need the energy to push when the time comes. Assuming everything is okay.’

‘What do you mean?’ Erna’s voice is anxious. ‘Why would it be stuck?’