*

Later, during supper, Mutti barely eats a thing while Vati eats with gusto. I stir the greasy pork around my plate; it’s full, fatty flavour turns my stomach.

Ingrid brings assorted pastries and a small glass of sweet pudding wine. I gulp half a glass, swill it around my mouth to cleanse it of the sickly taste of pork. I stare at her, try to work her out. Is it her?

She carefully avoids my eyes.

Vati clears his throat and looks at me.

‘Your mother and I have been talking.’ His water-pale eyes are serious and red-rimmed. He exudes exhaustion. Like a shroud, the shadow of Karl’s death smothers us all.

‘School will be over for you soon and we have decided what your next step should be.’

‘I want to go to university. You know I do. I want to become a doctor…’

‘Herta,’ Vati snaps, ‘we’ve been through this. It’s impossible.’

‘I could go abroad.’

He snorts with contempt. ‘University is out of the question. You will go to Hausfrau school.’

‘What!’ I shriek, ‘I don’t want to go to Hausfrau school! I would only learn needlework, or how to speak politely at a cocktail party, or plan a dinner for twelve. I have no intention of getting married, so—’

‘Don’t talk to your father like that!’ Mutti scolds. ‘You are being unspeakably rude.’

They both glare at me and I close my mouth. Heat flares.

‘You’ve been allowed too much free rein. Freedom has infected your mind. May I remind you,’ Vati’s voice is low with warning, ‘that selfish desires, if allowed to perpetuate, spell the death of civilisation. Duty comes first, above all and everything. Of course,’ he continues, ‘you want to get married. Early marriage is good for the young. Curbs their natural inclination to be flighty and out of control.’

‘I’m not— What do you mean, free rein? What am I supposed to have done wrong?’

Neither answer me. ‘I know my duty. I don’t understand—’

‘Your duty is to marry and produce as many children as you can for our Führer, for the future of this country. That is all.’ Vati is red in the face, angry. ‘Your brother did his duty. He was prepared to give his life in order to do his bit for the Reich. While you? You cavort around, more intent on entertainment and enjoyment, cultivating wild plans for – for travel, and university and jobs and other ridiculous notions.’ He thumps his fist on the table. Mutti and I both jump.

‘Your mother has lost control of you,’ he continues. ‘It’s not that I blame you, Hélène, given what has happened, but it isn’t right for a girl of your age, Herta, to be granted such freedoms. Always out and about, doing heaven knows what, with heaven knows who, and no brother to keep an eye on you.’

I look around for Ingrid, ready to throw daggers at her, but she’s left the room. Blood pulses in my temples. They cannot stop me going out. How I wish I could point out how Vati carries on.