And that was when I remembered what was going on today. The monumental moment that I was not prepared for. All the blood drained from my face; I felt like all of it was draining from my entire body and something else was keeping me alive. Barely. I could feel the weight of eyes on my back, stares burning into me. My heart started racing. No. I change my mind. I don’t want to do this.

I closed my eyes, willing them to leave…ordering myself not to turn and look. If I don’t look, he’ll go away. It will be like this never happened.

I felt someone cupping my cheeks. Kiera. “Kellan…it’s time.” Her voice was soft, encouraging, but it wasn’t helping. My heart thundered in my chest. I felt faint.

Eyes firmly closed, I shook my head. “I can’t, Kiera.” Hating how weak I was, I grimaced as I cracked an eye open. “Ask them to come back later…I just can’t right now.”

Like she knew what I actually meant was I couldn’t ever, Kiera shook her head and soothingly rubbed my cheeks. “You can do this, Kellan…I know you can.”

She wants me to be strong. Brave. I can be brave. I let out a long, shaking exhale. Feeling anything but brave, I slowly twisted my head. Seeing Gavin in person was like a sock to the gut; it physically pushed me back a step, made tremors ripple through my body. Reaching down, I clenched Kiera’s hand like a lifeline. Gavin was older than in his picture, but still, exactly the same. He was tall, lean but muscular, with thick sandy-brown hair, a strong jaw, and the familiar, almost unreal deep-blue eyes. Looking at him was like looking into my future…and I hated it. Because looking like him had been the root of most of my problems as a child. Because he left me.

He lifted a hand to wave at me. Like we were friends. Like we were family.

We’re not. He didn’t want me.

I don’t want to know him. I don’t want to need him.

This hurts too much…I can’t…

Fear and panic slammed into me so hard, I started violently shaking, like I was freezing, and I couldn’t get warm. My gaze snapped to Kiera’s, and I started begging for my sanity. “I can’t…I can’t do this…please, let’s just go.” Don’t make me do this. I grabbed her arms, desperate to run. “I’ll go anywhere you want to go. Let’s just sneak out the back, and we can do anything you want to do…”

More words left my mouth, but they were incoherent to my brain. All I could think about was the fact that he was staring at me. He was here. And he was staring at me.

I. Can. Not. Do. This.