I had no fucking clue how to process that. I hung my head as pain stung every nerve ending. Relax. It’s not a no. Take it, accept it…and leave the rest behind.

The silence between us grew again, deafening and relentless. I felt trapped, desolate…hopeless. I don’t want to lose her…but I am. I can feel it. Just when I was about to beg her not to leave me, she whispered, “I miss you.”

I had to choke back the sudden sob in my throat, and the words flew from me all at once. “I miss you too. I know we saw each other a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough…I really miss you.” I could feel the tears building under the stress of the torments that ceaselessly pushed against me every single second of every single fucking day. I knew I was about to lose it, and I knew she wouldn’t understand why. I swallowed, trying to control it, trying to shove the misery back down deep…trying to hide.

It was too late though; Kiera had heard it. “Kellan? You…okay?”

I wanted to sigh, I wanted to scream, but I was suddenly too tired to do either. “Yeah…just exhausted. I never realized how…taxing this would be. Always on the road, always away from home, always having to deal with…” Him. But I couldn’t tell her that, so instead I said, “People.” It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the truth. It was that unpleasant gray area, where I always seemed to find myself these days. I was so sick of it.

Wishing she was here, wishing I could be honest, I told her, “I know it’s early for you and you probably want to go back to sleep, but could you stay on the line for a bit? I’m feeling…” So fucking overwhelmed… I paused to swallow the pain. “I just want to listen to you breathe for a while.” Let me pretend everything is fine. Please.

“I don’t have anywhere to be but right here with you, Kellan.”

The compassion in her voice was almost too much to bear, but instead of dwelling on my grief, my loneliness, I let her words relax me, soothe me. Hadn’t she said I didn’t have to worry about her? Hadn’t she taken my promise ring, sworn her own promise in return? Hadn’t she assured me she would end things before she…replaced me? If she hadn’t said goodbye…then we were still good. We had to be.