She smiled, sighed, and relaxed. But the sadness was still there, and I understood why; I felt it too. Being apart was so hard. Holding her close, I rubbed her back. As we laid there, I remembered the previous night’s conversation that had sparked her earlier question…and I recalled that she had said she wanted to tell me something too. Not sure if I wanted to hear her answer, I whispered, “And there was something you wanted to tell me?” Please don’t let this hurt.

She stiffened in my arms…that was not a good sign. My heart started beating harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. Ignorance was bliss, right? Maybe. But the ignorance was already gone and knowing there was a looming unknown between us was hell. After a long, anxious moment of deliberation, she finally sat up on her elbow and shook her head. “I love you, Kellan, and you don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to me, but I don’t think I can tell you just yet.”

I was floored. I thought for sure she’d tell me, or maybe…at the very least, she would tell me something else that was true, like I had. But this…it had never once occurred to me that she might flat-out refuse to tell me. It was infuriating, frustrating beyond all comprehension. What the hell was she hiding from me?

I sat up on my elbow, matching her stance. “What? Why not?” I knew I was being a hypocrite, but goddamn it, knowing she was holding something back, something she wouldn’t tell me…it fucking hurt.

Remorse was in her features, but she still shook her head. “You’re just going to have to believe in me.”

My mouth dropped open, ready to protest, but her words…they were too similar to what I’d told her last night, after getting that text from Gavin. Please believe in me. Let this go… That was what I’d asked of her, what I’d begged from her, and now she was asking the same from me. I flicked a quick glance at my phone again, and my mouth closed as everything was suddenly achingly, painfully clear. She knows I avoided her question. She knows that phone call, that text, had nothing to do with what I just told her. She’s refusing to open up to me because I’m not opening up to her. I can’t ask her to tell me her secret, not without also telling her what’s really going on with me. And I can’t. So, I’m stuck. Trapped in this circular hell. I have to let this go…because I have to keep my secret. I won’t survive anything else.