But it sucked so much not talking to the guys about Lana, not talking to anyone about her. I couldn’t even tell Evan. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t affect his playing any, but he’d probably tell Jenny and she might tell Rachel…I couldn’t risk Matt finding out, so I didn’t tell anyone anything. Not even Kiera. I was sure she wouldn’t tell anyone if I begged her not to, so it wasn’t out of necessity that I kept it from her. No, my silence with Kiera was more from…insecurity. She was just so damn sure I could do anything. But if I wasn’t good enough, if I screwed this up and proved to her that she was wrong about me…well, just the thought of her disappointment killed me a little.

Again, it was better all-around if no one I deeply cared about knew the truth. God, it was starting to feel like my entire life revolved around keeping secrets now. I fucking hated it. But I didn’t have a choice.

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell them?”

I looked over to see Justin’s pale eyes studying my bandmates. I knew exactly what he was talking about. “Yeah, it’s better if they don’t know. They’ll play better.”

Justin tilted his head, then nodded. “Makes sense. I told my guys not to mention anything to them. They won’t.”

Nodding, I let out a long breath. “How much longer is Lana going to be here?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know. She’s looking to see who can hack it long term, so it might be a while.” He paused, then asked, “Is it getting to you?”

I gave him a half-smile. “Keeping it from everyone is getting to me. I could use a break from thinking.” And from Gavin’s incessant interruptions. He’d texted me five times yesterday. And every time I saw his number on my screen, a wave of guilt hit me. I shouldn’t have lied to Kiera. I should tell her the truth. But I can’t.

Justin studied my face, and he suddenly looked worried. Did I look bad? I did feel a little…worn. All of this secrecy was starting to eat at me, slowly and surely driving me to the edge of sanity. Justin clapped my shoulder. “Yeah, you look like a man who needs to get fucked up. Good thing we’re staying here tonight.”

He smiled, then motioned at someone across the room. I turned to see a couple of his bandmates heading our way—Trey and Jason. “Hey, after our set we’re going drinking. And by drinking, I mean we’re getting Kellan shitfaced.”

I frowned at him. “I said I wanted to stop thinking. That doesn’t mean I want to start heaving.”

Justin swished his hand at me. “You’ll thank me later.”