I really wasn’t sure if I was going to throw up or not. My stomach churned like it might. My head pounded, and my heart hammered. He knows how to reach me. He wants to talk. No. No! He doesn’t get to talk to me. Not now, not after everything he let me go through. Everything he forced me to go through. The years of abuse flashed through my mind. Dad shoving me against the slider, Mom handing him the dowel in the tract, Dad smacking my thighs with it until my legs gave out and I fell to the ground. Sobbing for him to stop. Apologizing for everything I could think of. The look in his eyes as he struck me…the apathy.

All of that happened because of him.

My fingers tightened on the railing as pain washed over me in waves. My breath came in rapid, frantic pulls now, and my fucking phone buzzed again with another fucking message. This can’t be happening.

No. It wasn’t happening. I’d taken my life back when I’d run away, and it was mine now. None of them got to touch it, not without my permission. Fuck Gavin. He could reach out all he wanted…it didn’t mean I had to answer.

I tried to calm my breathing as I straightened from the railing. It’s fine, you’re fine…let it go. I debated calling Kiera, to work through this anger and pain with her, but I knew she wouldn’t understand my outright refusal to speak to him. She’ll think I’m overreacting. She’ll think it’s no big deal if I talk to him. She won’t get it, and she won’t let it go. I can’t tell her about this. Ever. And that means…I’ll have to hide this part of myself from her…forever.

And realizing that tore a hole through my heart. I’d never felt quite so alone. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I choked them back. It’s okay.

No, it’s not. It’s not okay. I’m not okay. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be okay.

Eventually, as I stood there, blankly staring at the dirty street, the intense pain shifted into a dull ache, and then lonely dejection. I tried to resist the emptiness, tried to stop it from infecting every cell, every molecule, but I could tell I was losing the battle. I knew if I let this melancholy get its hooks into me, I’d drown in it…and I didn’t want to. There were so many good things in my life right now—my band, this tour…Kiera. I didn’t want to let one excruciating sore spot ruin all the bright spots. I needed a distraction.