I heard my phone chime again with another text, and I shoved it into my pocket. How could I ever look at it again? Because how would I ever know if it was him messaging me? Fuck, fuck, fuck…

Someone shook my shoulder. “Dude, Kellan, you’re freaking me out. Are you okay?” I couldn’t respond, the world was narrowing, darkening. Fuck, was I about to pass out? After no response from me, I heard Matt shout, “Evan! Something’s wrong with Kellan!”

I knew I needed to get my shit together before this turned into something…I did not want to explain. The chaos of the room crashed in on me as I refocused on where I was. It was an assault on the senses to snap out of it—too loud, too bright, too many fucking people. I just wanted to be alone.

Matt and Griffin were both staring at me with wide, concerned eyes. Did I look that bad? Evan was suddenly there, spinning me to look at him. “Jesus? What happened?” he asked, and I could see fear in his eyes. I must look like someone died. I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t tell them…I needed out of here.

Inhaling a deep breath, I drew strength from a lifetime of hiding my feelings and slapped on a breezy smile. “Sorry, man…I drank way too fucking much. I need some air.” I even managed to laugh after I said it, so he wouldn’t worry. So none of them would worry.

Griffin groaned, then handed the bucket to Matt. He started walking away muttering, “Lightweight.”

Matt held out the bucket for me. “Do you need this?”

Shaking my head, I clapped him on the shoulder. No, I need you to leave. I can’t keep this up much longer. I could already feel the tidal wave of my true emotions pushing against my forced calm. “I’m fine, really.” My phone buzzed in my pocket again, and I almost lost it.

Matt shrugged and left, hugging his bucket to his chest. I almost sagged with relief, but Evan was still watching me. “You sure you’re fine?” he asked, brows bunched.

I forced my smile wider. “Yeah, I’m just gonna step outside for a minute.”

He nodded…and I fled as quickly as I could get out of there without making him suspicious.

When I got outside, I heaved myself against some nearby railing, gasping for breath. Oh God…oh God…oh God…this can’t be happening. It was like all the pain I’d suffered throughout my brief time on this earth was piledriving into me at once. I couldn’t breathe, I could barely see.

One of the security guards at the door shouted, “Hey! If you throw up, you clean it up! Fucking rock stars…”