Kiera put a hand on my knee in support, maybe even in sympathy. “Well, I can see why you don’t remember them all,” she whispered.

I felt like I was going to be sick when I met eyes with her. “I’m so sorry, Kiera, I didn’t realize…” How could she not hate me after hearing that? How could she not think of me differently, look at me differently? I kind of did. Jesus…what was wrong with me? I obviously hadn’t known at the time that Kiera was waiting for me in my future, but still, I should have restrained myself for her. For us. Fuck—for me.

I half expected Kiera’s face to match how my stomach felt, but that wasn’t what I saw as I looked at her. She seemed a little paler, sure, but still warm, loving…accepting. She knew the why…and maybe that was enough for her to overlook the massive quantity. Hopefully.

She gave me a reassuring smile as she shook her head. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty, Kellan. I just…We should talk about this openly, honestly.”

Relief that she wasn’t going to reject me flooded through me. Having her support and understanding made talking about my past a lot easier, and Kiera switched the conversation to topics that, in hindsight, we probably should have talked about before—like, if I’d been safe with all of those girls. That was the only bright point of the whole conversation for me, because that one was a firm yes, I had been safe. Condoms were my number one rule, and I was a stickler about using them. If girls didn’t accept that, they didn’t get me. I supposed if my upbringing had taught me anything, it was that I didn’t wish an accidental child on anyone…or that kind of childhood on any child.

I think Kiera understood that, and mostly believed my answer, but she couldn’t help but point out my one and only exception. “You weren’t with me. You never even thought about it with me.”

Very true. And very wrong of me. Hoping she would understand just how profound she was to me, I told her the simplest version of the truth. “That’s because…it was you.” But her brows furrowed in confusion. No…she just didn’t see herself like I saw her. “I wanted you so much…and in a way I’d never wanted any girl. I loved you…even that first time. I didn’t want anything between us. I wanted…”

I had to stop, had to look away from her. I didn’t know how to make what I’d been feeling at the time sound good. It just sounded caveman-ish to me. But Kiera wasn’t about to let me run away from the conversation now. “You wanted what?” she asked, gently forcing my gaze back to hers.