When I reminded myself of these things, it felt like I was replacing my true heart with my spare heart, and even when things were really bad, it didn’t hurt so much.

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 19

A couple of days before my June music performance, I messaged Mum.

I nearly pissed myself laughing but I knew that I couldn’t or I’d give it away.

I was so excited to hear Mum’s news but I was also not hanging my hopes on it. I thought about what everyone had said in the meetings about their parents making promises, big and small, that never happened, and their disappointment.

Actually, I was looking forward to spending more time with Caroline, and having Katie and Jane come down for beach days when it got warmer.

Saying I know the words to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’ by heart is an understatement. Before the night of my performance I remember dreaming the lyrics and even singing them backwards.

Caitlin got home from work early to do my hair, not full-on streaks of colour like Cyndi Lauper, but a streak of pink and yellow in my fringe to give the eighties vibe without looking like a full try-hard. And I didn’t overdress either, just a black dress with stockings, a jacket and my black Puma suede shoes to look tidy yet casual.

Dad and Caitlin walked through the school grounds with me in their winter coats and then flocked into the music room with other parents and students. When we arrived, the room was already three-quarters full and noisy with people tuning violins and footfall and chairs scraping across the floors.

I searched the room for Mum, and Nana got out of her chair and lunged towards me, giving me a warm hug and even hugging Dad and Caitlin. ‘Your mum is on her way,’ she said, ‘she wouldn’t miss it for the world. She’s catching an Uber from work.’

‘Okay,’ I said, trying to will myself to relax.

I sat next to Nana and there was a space between her, Dad and Caitlin for Mum.

A couple of the musical performances kicked off and parents still continued to walk into the room mid-performance. I thought that Mum would arrive at any second, especially as she’d rocked up with Nana to a few of my basketball games recently without me having to remind her. She was getting better at that kind of stuff.

I won’t worry about it, I told myself as this kid with the hugest mop of hair played Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ on the piano and sung it like he was Eddie Mercury himself. He was so good that it completely distracted me from thinking about Mum being late. Well, not completely, but I was quite distracted.