My Spare Heart
‘A story with grit, authenticity of voice and characters who show strength in identity and culture.’
Anita Heiss, award-winning author of Bila Yarrudhanggalangdhuray
‘My Spare Heart navigates the mess, chaos and complexities of life with grace.
This story will move you.’ Rebecca Lim, award-winning author of Tiger Daughter
‘A compelling exploration of complex families and messy friendships. Jared Thomas’s writing is honest, raw and full of heart.’
Tobias Madden, author of Anything But Fine
This project has been assisted by the Australian Government through the Australia Council, its arts funding and advisory body.
First published by Allen & Unwin in 2022
Copyright © Text, Jared Thomas 2022
Copyright © Illustrations, Desirai Saunders 2022
Every effort has been made to ensure that, at the time of publication, information in this book pertaining to First Nations Australian cultural references is correct. Please contact the publisher with any concerns.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or ten per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
Dharug Country
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone:(61 2) 8425 0100
Email:[email protected]
Web:www.allenandunwin.com
ISBN 978 1 76063 183 3
eISBN 978 1 76106 450 0
For teaching resources, explore www.allenandunwin.com/resources/for-teachers
Extracts from Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism, copyright 2003 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Permission to reprint these excerpts does not mean that Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein. Al-Anon is a program of recovery for families and friends of alcoholics – use of these excerpts in any non-Al-Anon context does not imply endorsement or affiliation by Al-Anon.
Cover and text design by Jo Hunt
Cover and internal illustrations by Desirai Saunders
Set by Midland Typesetters, Australia
For those who have had their life impacted by addiction.
‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.’
Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr,
Book of Prayers and Services for the Armed Forces
Contents
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
RESOURCES
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
CHAPTER 1
It was so hot.
My best friends Katie and Jane thought they were doing me a favour, taking a train and a bus a whole hour south to meet me at the ridiculous stone cottage I now lived in with my dad and his girlfriend Caitlin.
I wish they hadn’t. I wanted to meet them at one of their places. Right near my old home where I lived with Mum, close to the city, except they insisted on checking out my new place.
I walked them through the cottage full of Caitlin’s silly books, recycled furniture, yoga mat and the smell of incense, until we got to my new bedroom. I wanted to chill in there with the air conditioning on, but it had to be boiling before Caitlin let me switch it on. Not like at Mum’s house. I missed my old room there, and the simple things, like being able to control the temperature in my own room.
Caitlin did my head in, and I knew we had to get out of the house before she started talking to us like we were besties, so I rushed my friends away from my boiling bedroom into the intense heat outside.
‘Can’t we at least wait on the verandah?’ Jane asked as we stood on the street. I looked at her pale, freckled skin and Katie’s reddening face. I considered it, or at least running inside to get hats or something, and then thought better of it. Better not take the risk.
After a while, Katie put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. ‘Call your mum, Phoebe?’ She caught her bag as the strap rolled off her bony shoulder.
‘She’ll be here any minute,’ I told her, glancing at the time on my phone.
Katie groaned. ‘She’s half an hour late.’
‘Yeah, well, I did say that I’d meet you in town,’ I reminded them.
‘Your mum knows that the game starts in an hour, right?’ Jane asked.
‘Of course she does,’ I said, wanting more than anything to be at the stadium and watching the Adelaide 36ers play the Sydney Kings.
Katie and Jane looked around at my new place, Caitlin’s hipster heaven. It was parked in the middle of the cul-de-sac in our new town. Caitlin’s face lit up when she called it The Village. I knew Katie and Jane were thinking about asking Caitlin to take us to the game. Hell no.
I dialled Mum’s number. She didn’t answer. I hoped she was speeding down the freeway.
‘No luck?’ Katie asked. I shook my head and she sighed.
‘It might suck moving here, Phoebe, but at least you’ve got those awesome new kicks.’ Jane pointed at my new Nike LeBron James shoes.
‘Mum got them for me.’
‘For your birthday?’
I shook my head. ‘To make me feel better about moving here, I guess.’
‘New kicks and the 36ers? Your mum’s awesome,’ Jane said and I felt guilty because they were really an I’m not an evil stepmother from hell that has destroyed your parents’ marriage and ripped you away from everything you love gift from Caitlin. I’d left them sitting in my cupboard for ages, but there was no way I wasn’t going to wear my new shoes to the game. They were deadly as. Not that I was going to tell Caitlin that.
Mum chose this moment to drive around the corner in her jeep. ‘Here she is,’ I told them, relieved.
We piled in. ‘You’re late, Mum.’
‘Important meeting, Phoebe.’ She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I could smell her perfume and champagne or wine on her breath.
I could tell she really had been somewhere important because she was wearing her lucky silver hoop earrings, a stylish new summer dress and had her blonde hair pulled back into a neat ponytail. ‘Hey girls, how are you? Excited?’ she asked my friends.
‘It’s going to be awesome! It’s been ages since the 36ers have had a winning streak,’ Jane said.
‘Six games in a row,’ Katie added, punching the air.
‘I can’t remember the last time I saw a game,’ Mum said, but I remembered exactly. It was two years ago, when I turned fifteen. We stopped for a drink at a cafe near our place on the way home. It’s one of the last times that Mum and I hung out together, just the two of us, before things started to sour between her and Dad.
‘It’s not so bad getting into the city with this new freeway,’ Mum said as we sped along. She was obviously trying to make me feel better about the distance between The Village and the city. I looked at all of the farmland, the grapevines on either side of the freeway and the dry straw hills to the east. It’s the middle of nowhere, I thought and then sighed.
The traffic slowed down as we neared the city.
‘What’s going on?’ Mum asked.
‘It’s Friday rush hour traffic and there’s a game to get to is what’s going on,’ I told her.
‘Phoebe! I’m trying to be serious here.’
Mum was always bossy, impatient and late – not for work but for me. But I respected that she showed me how to get what I need. Like she says, nothing comes to those who wait. You need to get off your arse.
The traffic started moving, except Mum didn’t notice and the driver behind us honked. We drove through the lights and Mum picked up speed. I worried she was driving too fast. Katie synced her phone to the car stereo and a minute or so later she and Jane were singing along to Taylor Swift’s latest album. Mum pulled up suddenly behind a car that was slowing to turn, and Katie and Jane stopped singing. I spun the speakers down a notch.
‘The 36ers are going to beat the Kings!’ Jane declared.
‘They may be on a winning streak, but I still don’t like their chances,’ Katie said.
‘When I was about your age, the Sixers used to thrash everyone,’ Mum said, switching lanes. ‘Did you know that all of the black basketballers from the US that came to play for the Sixers used to work as bouncers at the casino?’
‘Why?’ I asked as we paused at the traffic lights.
‘Well, it’s not like they’re Aboriginal and were able to get taxpayer-funded education like your father.’ Mum was unable to help herself from having a dig at Dad. I thought I was going to die of shame.
Instead, I said, ‘Everyone was getting their university education for free back in the day, weren’t they Mum? And Dad told me that when the first settlers started occupying our country, they were given a square mile of land that they could pay off in four years. It’s not like Dad’s family got that type of head start.’
Then Mum said, ‘Those basketball players were bouncers at the casino. My girlfriends and I used to always go there to see them. At the time, they were the biggest celebrities in Adelaide, much more interesting than newsreaders and boring old footballers. They were so cool. Not all uptight like your father.’
‘Don’t you think Phoebe looks like a darker-skinned version of Taylor Swift, Mrs Ridgewood?’ Jane interjected, breaking the mounting tension. ‘Especially when Taylor Swift straightens her hair?’ I twisted around in my seat and smiled at her gratefully.
‘Yeah, she does,’ Mum agreed. ‘My daughter is gorgeous!’ She sped up again and started tailgating the car in front.
‘Mum, slow down! We’re going to make it in time,’ I reassured her, feeling embarrassed.
‘Look at this loser!’ Mum let go of the steering wheel and threw her hands up in the air in frustration. Then she pulled the car back a little. After a few seconds, she said, ‘Oh come on, ya prick!’ She swerved into the left lane to get around the car.
I saw a car coming from behind us as it was too late. I closed my eyes, expecting to be crunched, but there was only the sound of scraping as the small car hit us near where I was sitting.
The jeep and the other car came to a screeching halt.
Mum hit the steering wheel and yelled, ‘What are you doing?!’
I turned to check on my friends. ‘We’re good,’ Katie said. Jane nodded.
I thought Mum was going to get out of the car, but she backed up to get away and then drove off.
‘You need to stop to give your details, Mrs Ridgewood,’ Jane said.
Mum sped up.
‘It was their fault.’
‘What about insurance?’ Katie asked.
‘Oh, it was only a rust bucket.’
‘I meant for your car?’
‘There’s no way we’re going to be late for the game,’ Mum declared as she gripped the wheel and drove on. We couldn’t ignore the sound of scraping at the back of the jeep.
A few moments later, Mum turned off South Road, slowed down and pulled over to the curb.
‘Phoebe, girls, I’m afraid you’re going to have to get there yourselves,’ she told us.
I frowned. ‘What about you, Mum?’
Mum reached for her bag, took out her purse and handed me a couple of twenty-dollar notes. ‘I’m going to drop the car at a mechanic. I’ll meet you there later.’
‘Really?’ I asked, not even sure if a crash repairer would be open after five on a Friday night.
Katie and Jane scrambled out of the back seat. I thought about asking Mum how much she’d had to drink, my pulse racing. Whenever Dad asked Mum about drinking it always ended in a fight.
‘Mum, have you had too much to drink?’ I asked cautiously.
Mum looked at me and screwed up her face. ‘You’re making a big deal about nothing, Phoebe. I only had one drink at the meeting.’
I studied her face. ‘Are you sure, Mum?’
‘I’m sure it was only one, sweetie. Get a taxi or a bus, whatever, and I’ll see you soon.’
As I closed the door to the jeep and watched Mum drive off, I noticed the left wheel guard was pushed in, scraping against the front wheel. My chest felt tight and a wave of worry washed over me. It was like I couldn’t see or hear anything around me. All I could think about was what trouble Mum was going to get into again.
‘What the hell was that all about?’ Katie asked me.
I shrugged.
Katie continued: ‘Parents can be weird, and that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Who drives off after hitting someone?’
‘Do you think your mum might not have paid her car registration or something?’ Jane asked.
‘As if,’ I responded.
‘Maybe she had a few drinks and thought she was over the limit?’ Jane said.
That made me really irritated, but I didn’t want to let on, so I changed the topic. ‘We really need to get going if we’re going to make it to the game in time.’
Jane looked at Google Maps. ‘There’s no bus for twenty minutes and we’re still a couple of kilometres away.’
Katie glanced up from her phone. ‘And no Ubers are available in this area. We will make the game in time, right?’
Although it was summer, it was way too hot and way too humid even for Adelaide. All I wanted was to enjoy a night out with my friends, but the wailing of a siren in the distance threw me to thinking about Mum. I was worried and I was sweating, hoping she was okay.
The traffic was starting to jam the street. Get off your arse, Phoebe, I told myself, repeating Mum’s mantra. Nothing comes to those who wait. ‘Let’s go,’ I said to Jane and Katie. We started walking in the direction of the stadium, hoping to find somewhere we could hail a taxi along the way.