they let me in here when I’m too down in the dumps to stay outside

outside is where I’m happiest

but even the happiest times can turn miserable

that’s as easy done as said

sometimes it happens so quick that I think to myself I’m living in a dream

you’re dreaming Christie I say to myself

you were always dreaming that’s the truth I know it is

I’m not afraid of the truth

I never have been

I may have avoided it now and then

but it wasn’t being afraid of it that made me

not afraid for myself anyway

it was always other people who couldn’t be told

who mustn’t be told

you tell some people the truth and they can’t take it in

it ruins them

I’ve seen it

/

I had to tell my father he was dying

my mother couldn’t do it I can’t do it

Christie I can’t do it she said slobbering like an old dog

so I had to

the doctor said it might be best coming from one of the family

and I was all the family there was

/

my father was in some shithole of a place where they put the terminal

the poor ones anyway

but he didn’t catch on

he was a bit gone in the head by then

his liver was gone completely

but he liked to think that he’d battle on

he always thought that he could battle on

I think that being pissed most of the time helped him think so

but I had to walk in there and tell him he was on his way out

so I got led into the public ward by the nurse

who drew the screens around us as quiet as you like

then she was off

I thought there was no use beating around the bush

so I just come out with it as plain as I could make it

you’re dying Dad I said they told me that you’re dying

he didn’t speak

he just stared at me like he didn’t know who I was

then he shut his eyes

that was the last I saw of him

he was dead that night

I’ve often wondered what would have happened if I’d told him he was doing good

and that there was nothing to worry about

he might have hung on a bit longer

although I don’t know what for seeing the state he was in

it would make the cat weep

he was as yellow as old wallpaper and weak as a baby

it was me telling him that killed him

it was knowing he was dying that was the cause of death

/

I know that I’ll be dead one day as well

but I’m not going to let knowing that kill me

/