great claps of thunder and rain inside my head

like in one of them glass things you shake to make it snow

and sheets of lightning going on and off inside my head

like giant light bulbs exploding

it still happens now and then

/

as soon as I got out I went to see Mama

fucking pointless really

but I felt I had to

I stood beside the trampled-down piece of dirt and I thought how small it was

that’s all I thought

/

Mama I said as if she could hear me

Mama I said I’m a better mother than you were

I hope that before I die my baby will know I love him

which is more than I ever knew about you

and that’s a shame I said

but there’s nothing can be done about that

like a lot of things that nothing can be done about

Jesus or no Jesus

/

I walked around the graveyard thinking this is where I’ll be one day

it’s a relief to know there’s a place where no-one can bother you

except those that were supposed to have loved you

/

Lenny had stopped locking the back door since I’d been away

I come in the house through the back door

and I walked down the passage to the baby’s room and I stood in the doorway

/

I stood in the doorway and I reached for the light switch in the dark

/

I reached for the light switch in the dark and the light come on and I saw him

/

I was still wearing the little paper wristband they give you in the madhouse

with your name written on it

which is I suppose in case you forget

I looked at it and I said my name out loud

Christie

/

he was lying there as bright as day

his eyes wide open

and he was looking at me

and I knew he didn’t know who I was anymore

/

you’re mine I said

and I moved closer to him

the house was quiet Lenny and his sister were asleep in their rooms down the passage and I thought of Lenny alone in his bed

and I wondered did he still reach out for me in the night like he used to

even when he was asleep

and even though I was asleep I’d feel him reaching

and I’d turn to be closer to him

and how quiet it was when our bodies touched

how marvellous it was that bodies touching made no sound at all

and I wondered did he still lie with his body curved to the shape of mine

even though I wasn’t there

/

I leaned down to Beau and I said have you been lying awake in the dark

/

I’m Christie I said I’m your mum

/

I climbed in bed with him and he let out a little cry