This day was turning out to be way too much for me. First convincing Ma and Papa, then Aunty V’s talk that had managed to rankle but rang with truth somehow, and now Anirudh’s over the top reaction.

‘Listen, one year is not going to make a difference in my life,’ I told him.

Anirudh’s eyebrows went up and he nodded in a most annoying way. ‘Yeah, sure. That’s because you’re one of the lucky ones,’ he said.

‘Lucky?’ I was surprised.

‘Not knowing what you want is also a privilege, you know,’ he said quietly.

I wanted to say something but he continued speaking.

‘My parents have worked really, really hard to make sure I get admission at a medical college. I don’t have the luxury of waiting around and figuring out what I want,’ he said.

Nisha and I stared at him. ‘But you also want it, right? You’ve always wanted it, no? To be a doctor?’ Nisha asked.

Anirudh’s words made sense to me suddenly. He didn’t have a choice, whereas I had one. And then I realized that we had choices for most things and that made us lucky, just like Anirudh said. In the same way, I could choose to not hate myself. I had always had the choice. I just didn’t know. I remembered Aunty V’s words to me again.

Unaware of the epiphany in my head, Anirudh nodded. ‘Yes, I do. But it would have been nice if everything didn’t pile up together like this, if all of this weren’t a race,’ he burst out.

Nisha squeezed his hand and I smiled at him sadly. I recognized the truth in his words, that taking time off was a luxury and a privilege and I had to make sure I didn’t misuse it.

31

In the ninth month of her pregnancy, Ma had appointments with her doctor every week. I went with her most times and it was painful to see her in so much discomfort.

On the last visit, the gynaecologist had said that everything was fine and the baby could make its appearance any day. That thought terrified me. Were we ready? Was Ma ready? But Ma seemed relieved. Of course she was ready. She had been waiting for nine long months! My appreciation towards what mothers went through had gone up several notches during her pregnancy.

Raghu was finally coming back. His flight was in the evening but by the time he’d get home, it would be quite late.

I tried to behave normally even though I was all jumpity-jump inside. I was awake watching a show on Netflix, while Ma was lying down on the sofa, watching the show with me.