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Chapters (42)
  1. Cover
  2. Andaleeb Wajid
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. 3
  6. 4
  7. 5
  8. 6
  9. 7
  10. 8
  11. 9
  12. 10
  13. 11
  14. 12
  15. 13
  16. 14
  17. 15
  18. 16
  19. 17
  20. 18
  21. 19
  22. 20
  23. 21
  24. 22
  25. 23
  26. 24
  27. 25
  28. 26
  29. 27
  30. 28
  31. 29
  32. 30
  33. 31
  34. 32
  35. 33
  36. 34
  37. 35
  38. 36
  39. 37
  40. 38
  41. Epilogue
  42. THE BEGINNING

Did Nisha also think this way about me? I wanted to talk to her honestly, ask her frank opinion, because I needed to know. She was my friend and she wouldn’t lie to me. But I didn’t want to talk to her on the phone and I would have to wait till I met her in school.

Anirudh was my friend too, but I wasn’t yet comfortable asking him this.

My stomach growled. I was hungry.

I felt a sense of despair loom up inside me. How was I going to do this if I couldn’t stay hungry for even an hour? We had only just eaten cake and snacks at the party and already my stomach wanted more. I pressed my fist to my stomach to stop the growling when a knock on the door startled me.

‘Who is it?’ I asked, my voice hoarse.

I would have to open the door if it was Ma. She would want to know why I had locked my bedroom door. But it was Raghu.

I could hear his muffled voice from outside. My face became hot once more. Shame didn’t let up easily. My back felt prickly and I wanted to curl up in a corner of the bed and never get up.

‘What?’ I asked, unwilling to even go near the door.

‘Open the door, no?’ he said. I turned away, pressing my face to the cold wall. Raghu could have said something in the clubhouse. He could have told Esha off for being mean to his friend. I felt the tears come, hot and angry, and I swiped them off from my face.

‘I’m tired, Raghu. I want to sleep,’ I called out.

‘Listen. I’m leaving tomorrow morning,’ he said.

My lower lip trembled, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. He had seen me at my worst and I didn’t know if we could be friends after that. I thought of the plans I had made for the two of us. After we came back from the party, Raghu and I would maybe try making lasagne. I’d printed out a recipe from a website this morning.

‘Okay, bye,’ I told him instead.

I didn’t hear his voice after that. I burrowed deeper under the bed covers, pushing my fist into my eyes, trying to stop the flood of tears. Something had to change and I knew it had to be me.

I didn’t know how, but I had to do something. If I couldn’t bear to look at myself, how could others?

7

Five years ago

In the days after Esha’s birthday, I was scared of bumping into her in the lift or the basement. I stopped going to the park and I was glad Raghu didn’t live in Bangalore.

Nisha was horrified when I told her everything the day after Esha’s party.