BooksBarbecue
Back Me Three Save as PDF
Chapters (34)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 10 Rules for Living a Lucky Life
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. Acknowledgments

I wanted to turn it off, but I couldn’t. It felt like someone threw a bucket of ice down my back and lit my stomach on fire. I only barely heard the yell from my sister’s room. And I knew she was watching this too.

My show ain’t the kind of place to turn your back.

My hands are everywhere.

If you turn me down, you’ll lose your job.

And all this fuss, I don’t understand.

I’m just a total pig five days a week.

J. Creeper man, J. Creeper man.

I heard my mom’s footsteps as she ran to Kate’s room. Voices. Kate saying something about Daddy and my mom telling her to turn it off.

Then the footsteps were heading to me and my closet room.

“Rodney?” said my mom. “Are you watchin—Oh no.”

I’m not the man they think I am at home.

Oh no no no, I’m J. Creeper man,

Creeper man, maybe going to jail.

My mom reached out like she was going to take away my phone, but I held up my hand.

“No,” I said. “Leave it.”

Van kept singing, repeating the last lines, strumming his guitar, Ned and Blister keeping a beat on their drums. Then Van spoke into the camera again.

“I can’t believe I had that guy on as a guest. My best girl Kylie worked for him. She said he was a creepy old boner king, but I thought she was just being a psycho. Sorry, Kylie. I should have believed you.”

Behind him, Ned and Blister looked very serious, which didn’t really suit their faces.

“Hey, J. Crederman, if you’re listening, you are no longer welcome in the Johnsonverse. You’re not lucky, dude. You’re gross. You should apologize to Missy Stephenson and all your fans. Man, I can’t believe I was one. I thought you were an OG. You let us down. Have some respect for the ladies, man.”

I turned off YouTube. I could hear the blood sloshing around inside of me and hoped I wasn’t going to get a clot in my superior vena.

J. Crederman. Jeremy Crederman. My dad.

I sort of heard my sister crying in her room, and I could feel my mom standing over me, and I could also feel her not knowing what to say.

Yup. Van Johnson sang about my dad, and when I turned it off, the video feed was showing two hundred thousand views. If my life wasn’t ruined before, it is now.

Maybe talk later. But probably not.

Rodney

9

Hey, Larry,