Ned and Blister, who were sitting on a broken loveseat off to the side and behind him, nodded. It must be strange to spend your whole life just watching your famous friend. I wonder if they ever get annoyed with him? He’s not that nice, like when he makes Ned do stuff and Ned gets hurt, and when he forces Blister to say what girl he likes and call her up to tell her and it’s obvious she doesn’t like Blister back. Ugh. I’m glad our friendship isn’t like that. At least, it wasn’t, back when we talked.

“For real. This next one is about someone I know. And someone you know.” He put his hand on his chest, like his heart was sore, except he put it on the wrong side, so it wasn’t really on his heart, but closer to his superior vena cava, which is this blood vessel that takes blood to the heart and which I learned about back when I went to a proper school. Sorry. That was sort of a downer.

I was like, here we go! Whenever Van Johnson starts a song talking about how bad he feels, it’s going to be a good one. The worse he feels, the meaner the song.

“But you got to call people on their stuff, am I right?”

Ned and Blister nodded.

“We’re juvenile delinquents, but even we wouldn’t pull this kind of stuff, man. We respect the females.”

More nodding from Ned and Blister.

“Especially good-looking ones,” said Van. Then he bent his head, so all you could see was the top of his fluffy hair. He strummed his guitar, and Ned and Blister got out their little bongo drums. They didn’t sit up straight or anything. They just play sideways on that crooked couch.

He started singing. At first, I was nodding along because it sounded just like that Elton John song my parents used to play all the time. He sang:

I slimed a girl again last night on set

From nine to zero hours five p.m.

And I’m gonna be all hands by ten.

I miss my wife and kids so much I got to mack

On even famous babes.

I stopped nodding.

And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time

Till I ever work again.

I’m not the man they think I am at home.

Oh no no no, I’m J. Creeper man,

J. Creeper man, hiding out, trying to escape my deeds.

Something in me froze. Maybe it was my blood. Maybe it was all of me.

And I think it’s gonna be a crazy, long time

Till any stars play poker with me.

I’m not the man they think I am at home.

Oh no no no, I’m J. Creeper man,

J. Creeper man, leching on all the girls at work.