Then Wednesday happened.

After I did my homework, which was to make a diorama showing the layers of the ocean floor, I went online to watch Van Johnson like I do every night. You’ll be surprised to hear that even people at Stony Butte like him. I know your mom thinks he’s incredibly dumb and that he needs a parent to step in and give him some rules because of how he trashes his basement with his bike and skateboard and spray paint and everything. Why do grown-ups only notice that stuff and not how he makes hilarious songs and plays guitar and has awesome hair and jokes? Obviously my dad appreciated him, since he was a guest on Van Johnson’s show and Van Johnson went on Get Lucky, even though he’s underage. Remember how mad your mom was after they taped that episode? How she said Van Johnson was a terrible role model for young men? That was it for you watching Van Johnson, at least when your mom was around.

Anyway, I had on my Van Johnson T-shirt when I sat down to watch. It was new song Wednesday. Graffiti in his basement on Thursdays. Pranks on Fridays. Stunts on Saturdays. Gaming on Sundays. Small explosions Mondays. Tuesdays off. For a wild man YouTuber, he’s pretty organized. He reminds me of you that way, but that’s definitely all you have in common with him. I mean, you’re always pretty decent to people. Van Johnson: not so much.

Anyway, I was stoked for the song. I clicked on his channel and there he was, livestreaming. You know how you always say his hair looks like a blond cat sitting on his head? Well, it looked extra catlike on Wednesday.

If you haven’t watched the video because you’re not allowed, Van started out staring into the camera from his trashed basement. Considering he’s so rich, he should be able to afford to fix some of the scorch marks and the skateboard jumps. He and his friends Ned and Blister somehow attached a couch to the wall about two feet off the ground. The episode when they did that was hilarious but also incredibly dumb. That’s why I watch. I just want to hang out with them and see what they’ll do next. I’m not very mature, obviously.

“It pains me to sing this,” said Van.