My words hurt him. I could see it on his face. I had cut him to the core. Somehow I managed to stay strong. Even though I just wanted to take him in my arms, I knew that we wanted different things from this relationship. What he wanted would never be enough for me.

With downcast eyes, Sam nodded his acceptance of my request and left me, alone and heartbroken.

35

The next few weeks went by in a blurry haze as I tried to find worthwhile things to occupy my time. I refused to slip into a devastated depression. Now that I no longer had a job, I felt completely at loose ends. Court and Seth worked, leaving me on my own most days. I cleaned our house, read books, and even tried to learn how to knit. The booties I made were lopsided, and I dropped more stitches than I knitted, so I decided I had better give up on that idea before I shoved my knitting needles through a wall.

The nights were long and difficult without having Sam by my side. I missed him terribly, and it took all of my willpower not to call him and gladly accept whatever attention he was willing to offer.

Somewhere along the way, I had gone from being cutely, roundly pregnant to being hugely, uncomfortably pregnant. My new girth made me incredibly klutzy, and I was constantly knocking things over or bumping into people because I forgot how big my belly was. I couldn’t find a comfortable way to lie down, and I officially had cankles––my lower legs looked like tree stumps. I no longer recognized my own body.

I figured that being cooped up in the house all the time was probably part of the problem, so I started taking long walks each day. I always walked the opposite direction of town, so I could avoid having to see the dreadful changes that Sam’s crews were making.

I tried calling Annie, but she was travelling in the Caribbean with Mr. Finley. Our connection was static-filled, so she signed off quickly, after promising me she would be home in time for Peaches’ birth. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Sweetie.” She inserted a separation in the word ‘sweetie,’ pronouncing it ‘sweet tea,’ and it made me smile. I missed her so much.

The computer had been moved downstairs when the nursery was decorated, so I plopped down at the desk and started doing some online research. I tried to find an interesting class to take or a fun volunteer job that I could do until the baby came, but my searches turned up very little.

“I’m just not finding anything, Buster.” Upon hearing his name, the basset hound thumped his tail once before sighing and sliding his head along the floor to go back to sleep. Even he’s bored by this ridiculous existence, I fumed.