Hey, love your smile, it reads. Would like to take you out for drinks sometime if you’re down? The guy’s name is Craig, and I’m so tempted to crack a joke about Craigslist in my reply. But I don’t, of course.

I scroll through his profile. He’s a redhead, five feet ten, and works in tech, like many other guys do in the area. His pictures tell me that he likes football, has a good mix of guy and girl friends, and has a cute but generic Labrador retriever.

I shoot him a reply, Hey, Craig! How’s your night going? I’d love to meet up sometime. When are you available this week?

His reply is almost instant. How about Saturday?

Sure! Here’s my number.

A few seconds later, I get a text from an unknown number.

Hey, beautiful, it says.

Okay, I think. A little direct, but not the worst first text I could have gotten.

Hey! I type. After a moment of hesitation, I add on a smiley face before I press send.

And then, Craig sends me a picture of his dick.

When I open the message, it takes me a few seconds to even process what I’m seeing. I’m no stranger to dicks, but the sheer ridiculousness of my current pink-and-hairy situation renders me speechless. My day keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

I text my friends, I think I got my first dick pic.

The door to my friends’ bedroom immediately slams open.

Kiara storms out first, wearing the satin scarf she wraps over her hair whenever she goes to bed. “Oh my God. Are you serious?”

“Yup,” I reply. “I’d show you, but I know how you feel about dicks.”

Kiara makes a gagging sound, like she’s about to throw up. “Yeah, no, please don’t.”

Val follows Kiara, shaking her head. “Cis men can be so immature sometimes. A dick pic, really? In this day and age? This is why I don’t date them anymore.”

We all laugh. Before Kiara and I met Val, she used to date men. Or, as she said once, “play video games with them and then end up fucking.” She doesn’t consider herself bi like me, though. Just a late bloomer lesbian that was previously yet another victim of comp het. Now, as a long-running joke, she likes to say, “This is why I don’t date men anymore,” whenever she sees a guy doing something stupid.

“I don’t think I’m cut out for dating apps,” I bemoan as my friends sit down next to me on Clementine.

Kiara looks down at her smartwatch. “Well, it’s been less than six hours since you downloaded them! You’re totally valid for wanting to quit after what happened with Craig, but maybe try going on at least one date? With someone else, of course. Not Craig.”