•  rubbed experimental ‘nighttime lotion’ on my face and neck. think a parent gave it to me. felt like this was ‘a protective ritual.’

•  made bed and brushed all the crumbs/debris stuff off the sheet. this was just for fun.

•  dressed in cherry-printed pajama pants given to me by former baltimore neighbor/co-worker, current close friend and ‘will always be one of my favorite people who i love and aspire to be like in some way’ person, chelsea. was going to leave on shirt i was wearing today, which chelsea also has but we bought before we knew each other, then thought: ‘no. it will be too perfect: ‘she died wearing the clothes of someone she wished she was more like,’ then it’ll definitely happen.’ in the past i’ve thought i could increase probability of airplane landing safely if i’d listen to weird al or other unrealistic music to die to.

•  applied protective clothing layer: long-sleeved shirt ex-boyfriend bought the day of his 2010 baltimore reading, when he stayed the night at my apartment and we had fun platonic fun all night and the next day.

STAGE 2: PLAN DEFENSE AND FLEE

•  tried different lighting schemes. the best lighting to let someone know there is a person inside, ready to attack. fussing with lighting is what put me into stage 2, where i’ll start imagining scenarios where i’ll be confronted with the thing that’s going to ‘get me.’

•  gathered all knives and scissors and placed them under pillow (however, this means if whatever has come to ‘get me’ hasn’t brought a weapon, which it would’ve, i feel, it’d have to find even scarier and probably more painful blunt objects in the house to kill me with. anything in here could kill me). i have sharp things ready though, because i think i’d be better at stabbing than clobbering or [who knows].

•  stowed car keys and phone under other pillow.

•  in stage 2 i have locked the bedroom door before, but. i don’t know. undecided on this one tonight. i want cats to be able to roam freely around apartment, maybe sleep near me.

STAGE 3: WAIT IT OUT

•  you just wait it out. that’s all you do. either you’re awake all night or you beat it.

getting sleepy. alvie is acting especially jumpy, pacing and chirping. does not bode well. told myself i’d be asleep before it was light outside and now it’s looking bluer out there goddamnit. actually though, this is good, because now i have more visibility out my window. when it was darker earlier ‘knew’ the face from ‘suspiria’ was on the other side of the curtains. goosebumps looking for this picture, like, entire google image search, even now, thinking about looking at it.